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Pruno: It's not what you might think
You learn something new every day. My new thing for today is how to make Pruno, a vile mix of fermented fruit salad and ketchup made by prisoners to get really, really high. Ask that little prison bitch you've had your eye on to split one of these with you and he'll be tossing salads like the caterer at a weight-loss convention. A lot of you don't bother following links (I know I don't), but you have to read the recipe. It's not just funny; it's informative and vomit-inducing. And couldn't we all stand to lose a few pounds before X-Mas?
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
My boss is away on vacation in ANOTHER COUNTRY until January 4th. Today was one of the neighbour's birthdays. There were about 10 of us sitting around a table, drinking, smoking and anticipating a joke the birthday boy's friend was about to play on him. About two hours after I arrived, their doorbell rang, his girlfriend got up to get it, then she called his name. The birthday boy gets up from the table and starts walking into the living room, where he encounters a really big policeman, who his girlfriend has just let into the house. "I understand the vans parked on the street outside belong to your guests," the cop says to him. "And I smell something too, is that marijuana?" The cop then took the neighbour's left wrist in his hand and slapped a cuff on it. The birthday boy was dumbfounded and in shock, letting the cop put his right arm behind his back without a struggle of any kind, cuffing his other hand and locking both hands in place. As I watched, I imagined he was thinking: "I'm getting arrested on my birthday, fucking great." Then the birthday boy's girlfriend cued some disco music, the cop pushed the handcuffed neighbour into a chair and started dancing and taking off his clothes. Every witness to this event was in hysterics. Most of us laughed still for hours afterward. In the last couple of days, I've had a couple of really shitty things happen to me and holy shit did I ever need to laugh like this. As of December 24th, I'm off work until January 5th. Sometimes, life can be shitty, and sometimes it just turns around. Funny how that can happen, huh? And right when you need it. Maybe there really is a goddess up there looking out for me.
Underage Ass
 I'm frightened of the ass. Lord knows I love me some lowrider jeans (my old jeans now feel like granny panties in comparison), but I'm disturbed whenever I'm confronted by a young woman's butt crack.
It's usually the crack of a teenaged babysitter I'll see, at the park or the library, while she's crouching down to attend to her charge. Sometimes the crack is obscured by a strip of thong panty, but often it's totally bare because she's either commando or wearing bikini panties. If there is a dad nearby, I love to watch while he nervously tries not to look too obvious while staring down the girl's jeans. If she's really young-looking, though, it just grosses me out. It's not that I'm a prude. It's just that I'm terrified to think of what body parts will be acceptable to bare in public when my daughter is a teenager. Will pants be crotchless? Will t-shirts have holes cut out to bare the nipples? If lowrider jeans are still de rigeur, at least I can feel comforted that I didn't name my daughter Dawn.
Four More Years
 Of Living Hell: Insanity prevails in the United States today, at least among a little over half of the population - George Bush was not only re-elected, but won 52 per cent of the popular vote. Like many others in Canada and the rest of the world, from the outside looking in at the madness, I'm not sure whether I should laugh or cry. Most of us outsiders are shaking our heads and wondering how many Americans have amnesia or recently underwent a lobotomy.
Greg Palast , a contributing editor to Harper's magazine, may have hit the nail on the head, which at least gives me some hope that perhaps Bush just stole the election yet again and the majority of my neighbours to the south still have a hold on their sanity. Whatever the case, on the bright side, if there is one, my fellow message board posters and I will get to enjoy Dubya's antics for another four years and oh yeah, many Americans had claimed that if Bush was re-elected they were moving to Canada. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the majority of them are good-looking single men.
I'm crazy backwards guy! I'm not facing you, I'm facing the other way! Isn't that CRAZY?! Now... gimme some candy!
 There's a fallout from Hallowe'en. Ever since we got back from trick-or-treating Sunday night, my two-year-old daughter has been perpetually sticky.
She just attempted to eat a chocolate this morning, and spat it out (not on the couch, this time, which was nice) and when I picked her up to get her washed off in the kitchen sink I noticed her legs are coated in a thin film of sugar. If I don't bathe her, by next year she'll be covered in enough goo that I can send her out on Hallowe'en as a candy apple. I figure only half of the candy she's unwrapping gets eaten: the rest is stuck between the cushions of my couch. Her brother is so conservative in comparison, sneaking a lollipop in the morning, and perhaps a peanut butter cup at noon. We deigned to shop at Wal-Mart yesterday for new winter boots, and he started begging for bubble gum at the checkout counter. "Don't you think you have enough candy at home?" I asked him. The cashier laughed. "Buddy, did you forget last night was Hallowe'en? You must have tons of candy. You don't need anymore." Admitting defeat, he spent the whole trip home planning out a Hallowe'en party for next year. I just hope he doesn't use his candy-gobbling sister as a pinata.
GI Joe had Brillo hair
 What every girl wants for X-Mas: The Sid Vicious action figure. Action figure? Just how much action can one expect from a heroin-addicted bass player?  Particularly one who's been dead since 1979.
Maybe it's got Kung Fu grip to hold a knife for stabbing Nancy. Why has he got burned with revengeful thought? The peace and happiness at the name of human beings... IT'S HORRORSHOW!! NADSAT AS KHOROSHO!!
Scary stuff
 Just in time for Hallowe'en, these costumes should not be missed (whether you have kids or not). I can't decide whether my favourite is the grieving presidential widow or "The Littlest Prisoner at Abu Ghraib."
Even scarier stuff: someone found our site while doing a search on "11-year-old fuck." He must not know English so good, if he found the results from our site intriguing. 2. ________ Before I die, I'm gonna fuck me a fish We Hate Everyone Yes, we've moved again. I thought we'd give Blogspot a shot. Hello all you Blogspotters who are passing through. Any hints on good spots for hosting pics would be welcome.
Take off!
 Who Gives A Flying Fuck About Celine Dion? Air Canada laid off thousands of workers during its restructuring. Unionized workers gave up more than $1 billion a year in salaries and benefits and made many concessions in working conditions.
Then yesterday morning, at Toronto's Lester B. Pearson Airport, Celine Dion appeared at a big party for the airline's employees. Dressed in the new Air Canada uniform of Midnight Blue with Silver Sky lining, the skeleton that breathes sang three songs, including,"You and I Were Meant to Fly." I saw this bullshit last night on the news and wondered what the hell Air Canada CEO Robert Milton could be thinking, considering the airline just emerged from 18 months of bankruptcy protection. How much did they pay that money-grubbing media whore Celine Dion? It had to be millions. It's enough to make the average person boycott the bastards. If I ever fly again I know I'll think twice before I'll fly on an airline that values a multi-millionaire non-talent over its own employees. Air Canada thinks it's in take-off mode but if others see yesterday's little publicity stunt the same way I do, the airline could be in for another crash landing.
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair
 See now, all Jennifer C. had to do was shake her hair loose, and she could have avoided much scorn. Jennifer Crisafulli, the most recent victim of The Donald's cobra-like firing, has a new website, and it's gonna be yooge.
Fans of the show might want to check it out. It even features a quote from Donald Trump! Mind you, it's a flattering one: "She's very tough and she is very smart." Nothing about how easy it was to fire her. No comments from Carolyn telling her to keep her fucking yap shut.  Of course her website is all spin, with nothing about her recent real life firing, for making anti-semitic remarks, from the Manhattan firm where she was a real estate agent.
An official with the Manhattan firm Prudential Douglas Elliman said Thursday that Crisafulli, a 32-year-old real estate agent with the firm, would not be welcomed back because of comments she made on Wednesday night's episode of "The Apprentice." ... The full story.
I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world
 Was soooo glad to see clueless bitch Jennifer fired tonight on The Apprentice. At least you got to meet Mike Piazza, asshole. Ha ha ha! I disliked her on sight just for her outdated hairstyle alone.
She looks like Barbie from the 1950s. Those women are so useless. In the beginning, Pamela ("The Penis") was smart to side with the men, especially considering how whiny all the chicks were about the prospect. "Boys are scary." :: giggle ::  I disliked Raj at first, having dismissed him as a Tucker Carlson wannabe, but he has grown on me and I hope he goes far in the show, if only to see his full array of bow ties.
 What's with "Little Stacy" R, also known as The Munchkin? Stacy, you would command more respect if you wore a suit that fits, in a colour other than black, and got a real haircut. Just because you fit in Mommy's clothes doesn't mean you should play dress-up on national t.v.
 I also caught Lost, and had no idea LOTR's Merry was in it (playing a drug addict nonetheless). I liked how the prisoner turned out to be Kate, and that was a nice twist with the cop being the guy with the shard of metal in his torso.
The big guy was cool. It's nice to see a variety of characters, although I've yet to see any ugly women. It's too bad I missed the pilot episode. I can imagine BeX is in heaven with all the recurring plane crash scenes.
Butterflies and Peanut Butter
This afternoon my son goes for his second day of Kindergarten, and I'm still nervous for him. I have no idea why. He LOVES school, and would probably enjoy full days if they were available. So why can't I stop feeling the anxieties I suffered as a child? I felt nauseous every morning in grade school. Fortunately, I've not passed on any stress to him. His only worries have been that Mommy won't let him take a sword to school, and we can't drive to Tim Horton's for doughnuts because Daddy has the car. My only real concern is what to pack the boy for a snack, because he's one of those kids who will eat virtually nothing but peanut butter. Because there are children out there in the world with deadly allergies, peanuts have become anathema in our times. Peanuts are banned from his school. I don't know if there are actually any children in the school who are allergic. There are permanent anti- peanut signs throughout the school, so it doesn't seem to matter either way. Now, I wouldn't make light of a situation where a child has a deadly peanut allergy, but why are peanuts being automatically banned whether it's necessary or not? Oh yeah, lawsuits. Pity the poor peanut farmer. In an entirely unrelated note, have you ever heard of the band Dead Chretiens? Here is the Dead Chretiens Official Website.
monty python - lego style
 Monty Python, Lego-style Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecap split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis split...
You Know Who You Are
Dedicated to the ones I hate: Everything About You Ugly Kid Joe I, hate the rain and sunny weather, and I, hate the beach and mountains too; (and) I don't like a thing about the city, no, no and I, I, I, hate the country side too ! and I, hate everything about you ! .. everything about you ! I don't like a thing about your mother, and I, I hate your daddy's guts too, I don't like a thing about your sister, no, no 'cause I, I, I, think sex is overrated too. and I, get sick when I'm around, I, can't stand to be around I, hate everything about you ! everything about you, everything about you, everything about you Some say I got a bad attitude, but that don't change the way I feel about you, If you think all this might be bringing me down, look again cause I ain't wearin' no frown ! I don't really care about your sister forget the little bitch 'cause I already kissed her One thing that I did to your lady put her on the bed and she didn't say maybe I know you know everybody knows the way it comes, the way it goes you think it's sad well that's too bad 'cause I'm havin' a ball and never cared a thing about you Everything about you, everything about you I get sick when I'm around I can't stand to be around I hate everything about you Can you tell I've got a cold, a headache AND I'm PMSing?
Dude writes like a lady
The Gender Genie is an Internet tool used to predict the gender of an author. I used it on all our posts from May to now. It decided that half my posts were written by a man, and half by a woman. All of BeX's posts were apparently written by a man. I knew that girl was hiding a penis somewhere. Try it on your own writing and share your results.
A Friday The 13th Confession
 I want to be a supervillain: If the average human being only uses about 37 per cent of his or her brain in an entire lifetime, I think I’m using about 40. I claim at least one percentage point for the simple fact that I'm a Slider (no, I can't slide into other dimensions like on the TV show) which means I am able to affect electricity with my brainwaves. Light bulbs sometimes pop when I walk into a room, street lights commonly go out when I walk underneath them, especially if I'm angry. I’m usually not shutting down lights on purpose, although occasionally, by sheer force of will, I can look up at a street light and *poof* - the light goes boom. It's like I unleash a sort of lightening rod from my brain that emanates to the socket. This is a talent I’ve had for years and I’m pretty damn proud of it. As of today, though, I'm going to claim another 2 per cent because I have discovered a whole new power inside of me. I'm not psychic - I can't predict the future. But it seems I can change the future, if I concentrate on it hard enough. I've discovered, especially over the past couple of weeks, that I can make bad things happen to people I don't like. Not terrible bad things, just minor bad things. It's Friday the 13th and all week long I've been concentrating on something bad happening to my boss on this very day. She was supposed to fly home from England and I wanted something to happen to the airplane. I didn't want the plane to crash or anything, because I would feel guilty for the rest of my life (or at least the rest of the day) so I just wanted something to happen so she wouldn't get home. Well guess what? She's not on a plane home today, stupidly, she forgot a major piece of identification and they would not let her on her flight. She'll be stuck in another country for the entire weekend and won't be back in the office until Tuesday at the earliest. I wouldn't have thought much of this, except for the fact that about two weeks ago, I concentrated on the idea/hope that my grandmother would not be at my parent's 40th Anniversary party. Again, I didn't want anything terrible to happen, I just didn't want her at the party, because she can't stand me and I can't stand her. As it turned out, my grandmother had to go into the hospital for a couple of days due to dehydration. She's fine now but was unable to make the party. SCORE! About three years ago, I was supposed to fly to Atlanta with my former boss to attend a trade show. A week before we were to leave, I kept hoping, wishing and concentrating on the idea that somehow he would miss the plane. On the day of the flight, as I sat in a row by myself as the plane taxied on the runway before takeoff, I realized that my wish had come true - he had missed the flight. Was it just a coincidence or did I will it to happen? I'm thinking I should try concentrating on good things and willing them to happen. But when I really think about it, being a little bit evil is a lot more fun. And who knows, maybe if I combine Sliding with will power, I could shoot down my enemies with bolts of electricity, on Friday the 13th.
A little something for Bob
 Runway Flash: My husband mentioned a co-worker was nearly heartbroken when The Simple Life went off the air last week.
I figured he must be a big fan of Paris "That's hot" Hilton but, no, he seems to be one of the few out there who actually prefers sexy bitch Nicole Ritchie. I remembered stumbling across this picture on the Internet, and figured he might enjoy it. This one's for you, Bob. Here's hoping one of Nicole's ex lovers from her herion-shooting days comes out with a sex video you can enjoy. May all others forgive me. ... Yes, that includes you, Jackie.
La la la la la la la
Could life get any better? Well, of course it could. I have PMS; my house is slightly torn up while my husband replaces our knob and tube wiring; I have a raging headache; my 21-month-old daughter keeps waking up in the middle of the night and crying for at least an hour. BUT my son's best friend (a six-year-old from Hell) has been gone since Saturday afternoon, staying with his father at a rented cottage. No knock on my door every morning at eight as he lies that his mother gave him permission to eat breakfast at our house. No knock on the door again at nine as he feigns an apology for fighting with my son. No afternoon visits disturbing my daughter's nap. Hell, the only person who's been at my door has been the mailman. I'm lovin' it!
Happy Birthday Canada!
 It's all in the name: As Canada turns 137 today, I thought it'd be cool to explore what we could have been named, from the Canadian Government website, and provide some words that are unique to Canada and often confuse our neighbours to the south, from An American's Guide to Canada. Although time has indelibly imprinted "Canada" on the map of the northern half of the continent of North America, numerous other names were suggested for the proposed confederation in 1867. Among these were: Albertsland, Albionora, Borealia, Britannia, Cabotia, Colonia, Efisga (a combination of the first letters of England, France, Ireland, Scotland, Germany, and Aboriginal lands), Hochelaga, Norland, Superior, Transatlantia, Tuponia (an acrostic for the United Provinces of North America), and Victorialand. While the Dictionary of Canadianisms lists ten possible explanations for the word (ranging from Spanish Acan Nada to a form of Canara or Canata, a place name in southern India), the generally accepted origin may be traced to the writings of Jacques Cartier in 1536. While sailing up the St. Lawrence River, Cartier noticed that the Indians referred to their settlements as kanata, which, from its repetition, the French took to be the name of the entire country. Such it was destined to become in 1867. My personal favourite alternate name is Superior. Wouldn't it be great to say you're from a place called Superior? Words and phrases unique to Canada Anyway, Happy Canada Day to my fellow Canucks and try not to drink too many two-fours, eh?
Cold weather, Cold soup, Cold bitch...
 Brrr: This weekend was unusually chilly for the end of June, which was kind of disappointing. To top that off, I was subjected to a bowl of Vichyssoise (cold potato & leek soup, which I actually enjoyed) and as usual, I had to endure a late Friday afternoon rant from my cold bitch of a boss. She called me into her office to tell me that she'd heard I'd been interested in another position within the company and that she would never recommend me for it. Considering the fact that no one likes her there, I should have thanked her. The bitch then proceeded to cut to shit every line I had written for the employee newsletter I'm responsible for. Most of her "advice" about my writing, was stuff my journalism instructor would have cringed at: I shouldn't start a paragraph with quote marks; I should always explain that the person is commenting before the actual quote and I should never list people's titles with their names because, according to her, all 300 employees know the titles of everyone at head office. My favourite bit of advice was this though: re-write and/or make up people's quotes. She said I should always change what people say to make a story "read better". I told her I was taught that changing people's quotes was totally unethical. She said she always changed people's quotes because it was "the professional thing to do". 
While she was ranting and raving about my terrible writing skills, I started to envision the scene from Swimming With Sharks, where Guy (Frank Whaley) ties his horribly abusive boss Buddy Ackerman (Kevin Spacey) to a chair and proceeds to cut off pieces of his hair, give him paper cuts on his face and scalp and then pours condiments like Lee & Perrins and vinegar all over his head. That actually made me smirk a little while she was yelling at me. It seems fitting that as I ate my cold soup on a cold Saturday afternoon a day later, I remembered one of my favourite sayings: Revenge is a dish best tasted cold. I have the feeling it'll be delicious...
Have you ever cut your own hair?
 Viggo no more: My son has refused a haircut for months because he's been trying to grow it long "like "Aragorn."
However, the past week we've been doing lots of crafts and he keeps saying he wants to cut his own hair with his Crayola scissors. While I prepared lunch yesterday, Mini Whe took out a big chunk of hair at the front, right to the scalp. I had to turn my head to hide my disappointment that his beautiful, blond hair would need to be shaved down to match the missing patch. It's funny how I had such an emotional reaction to it, despite months of trying to convince my son to cut his hair.  I kept reminding myself of the time Elecampane's daughter did the same thing. It must be so much worse for a little girl. When you are a prepubescent girl with short hair, anytime you wear something remotely unisex, people assume you're a guy.
At the haircutting place that evening, I explained to the hairdresser that we wanted to salvage as much hair as possible. Because the patch was so short, we're talking millimeters here. "Would you like me to keep the length in back?" she asked cautiously. I've got to admit I was a little offended she would suggest a mullet. He now has a short do with a bald patch that will hopefully fill in a bit in a week or so. But I guess he'll have to wait until puberty before he looks remotely like Aragorn. In the meantime, we'll settle for this.
What, no cheezy poofs?
 Can Spaderboy live without snacky cakes? Just as McDonald's is introducing a "healthier" menu, featuring such fat-laden salads as the Crispy Chicken California Cobb, our dear friend Spaderboy is conducting an experiment that is sure to put Entenmann's Bakery out of business.
He's giving up junk food. Now anyone remotely familiar with Spader knows the man lives by the triumvirate of crap: sugar, grease and salt. So this experiment is, as he calls it, "Super Size Me in reverse." I loves me some cake and pie. I live for soda and chocolate. But I need to do this. I need to find out if my diet is making me crazy. I need to find out if my diet is sucking the life from me. This is not about the size of my pants. This is not about how good I would look in a bathing suit. None of that matters to me. I have a wife that loves me as is. No, this is about my soul. This is about regaining control of a like manipulated by the mass market corporations. This is about bettering my health. This is about me, inside and out. More than halfway through the experiment, Spader has met his goal and avoided processed foods (unless you count such vegetarian delights as Trader Joe's Soy Nuggets with whole wheat breading, and a traditional slice of wedding cake on his one year anniversary). Can he do it? Check with the monkey and see.
The Blonde Report
 Since it's my birthday today, I'm going to write a scatter-brained blog of random, useless thoughts and observations I've had over the last couple of weeks.
It'll be a dollar a litre by June: How sad is it that we're lining up in droves for gasoline when the price goes down to 82.5 cents a litre? Just a month ago, I was filling up my tank for 69 to 70 cents a litre then as soon as the warm weather hits it rises in price by 10 cents or more. There can't be a shortage of oil can there? Haven't the Americans stolen enough oil from the Iraqi's yet to supply us for another 10-20 years? I've never been great at baseball but... So I've been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks. Now, I'm an adult woman in my 30s, he's in his 40s and the furthest we have gotten is a peck on the lips at the door as he's leaving. I mean, shouldn't we at least be at first base by now? Nick Berg Beheading: I've heard lots of conspiracy theories about this, including some who think the Americans actually staged this themselves to take the focus away from the prisoner abuse scandal. Although I wouldn't put anything past those slimeballs in the White House, I truly doubt they'd go that far. One of my friends has seen the video but I don't plan to. I don't need nightmares, thank you very much. Happy Birthday Bex, courtesy of Dalton McGuinty: The Ontario provincial government announced its first budget today. Cigarettes go up $2.75 a carton, beer is up 45 cents a two-four. These price hikes are not pleasant but I could live with them if it wasn't for a new health care premium in which Ontario residents will lose anywhere from $300 to $900 per year out of their salaries. Anyone remember Dalton's campaign promise of "I won't cut your taxes but I won't raise them either." You fucking liar McGuinty, I hope the fire in your pants burns your balls off, that is if you actually have any. I'm ashamed to say I voted Liberal in the last provincial election. It's nice to be so popular: We Canadians should be proud when a red-necked war-mongering jackass like Bill O'Reilly is dissin' us. In a column he wrote on May 13th slamming Canada, the Fox (Propaganda), News Host included these choice words: "Over the past two decades, Canada has become committed to secularism and government entitlements. Subsidized medical care, decriminalization of marijuana, gay marriage, extensive welfare for newly arrived immigrants and an aggressively liberal Canadian Broadcasting Company have all become part of the culture." Yes, better to live in a country where the government imprisons people for 10-50 years for recreational drug use, can't separate church from state and its leader freely admits he makes his decisions based on what god tells him to do.
Everybody's got something to hide...
 Woman breastfeeds abandoned baby monkey
An Indian woman is breastfeeding a baby monkey found abandoned by its mother. Namita Das says she was spurred to suckle it by a combination of maternal and religious feelings, and a fetish for sharp teeth in her nipple area. She recently gave birth after many years of trying for a baby and felt the need to save the animal because she is a devotee of the Hindu monkey god Hanuman, who bears a striking resemblance to Michael Jackson.  The monkey was found almost dead by her woodcutter husband, Gepetto, in a forest clearing outside Chandrapur village in Tripura state.
The Pragati newspaper reports hundreds of people have turned up to see Das feed the monkey (and sneak a peek at her boobies). Local school teacher Ballabh Saha said: "We can't help feeling touched by her concern for the monkey. It's like she believes it is her own child, or perhaps one of the Olsen twins." link
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Ancient Greece Never Looked So Good
Troy is a movie I've decided I have to see, for the man meat alone. It stars Brad Pitt, who in my mind is the best looking man (besides Mel Gibson) ever put on earth. Orlando Bloom, another hottie, also stars in this film, supposedly based on historical fact. The premise is that Paris, Prince of Troy (Bloom) steals Helen (Diane Kruger), Queen of Sparta away from her husband, King Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson). The result of this action causes a 10 year war between Troy and Sparta. Brad sure as hell buffed up for this film, his body has never looked so hot. Apparently, he reluctantly quit smoking to train for the physically demanding role of Achilles. "I had to quit smoking," Brad told Cinema magazine when asked about the hardest part of getting ready for the Trojan war epic. "The withdrawal was so hard that I was ready to kill," he said. Troy opens in theatres on May 14th, just in time for my birthday.
Days of Whine and Roses
EZboard seems to be down (what a SHOCKER!) so I've set up a temporary board at proboards.
Geek Tragedy
 Why is it that when I ask my son to put his pants on, he wails at me as if he's being punished?
We've had gorgeous weather lately, but I'm having a hell of a time getting both kids co-ordinated to leave the house at the same time. As I put clothes on the one, the other starts stripping. If only we lived on a tropical island, they could run around naked all the time. Of course, with my luck it would turn into a whole Lord of the Flies debacle with Mommy's head posted at the end of a stick. Or was that Apocalypse Now? Either way, I end up decapitated and surrounded by savages. The horror. The horror. My son has been practising archery and sword combat because he has turned into a Lord of the Rings freak (or is that geek?). In his fantasies, he is Aragorn, Daddy is Gandolf, I am Legolas (which makes me feel so pretty!) and his baby sister is Gimli, because barring the dog, she is the shortest. And really, what little girl doesn't dream of being a hairy troll? Cute braids, though.
Movie Reviews
I watched a lot of DVD's while I was off sick from work, here's what I thought of them. Braveheart: Awesome - one of the best films I've ever seen. It made me laugh and cry and root for my Scottish ancestors to rip the heads off of every one of those bloody Englishmen! My brother convinced me to rent this and I'm damn glad I listened to him. Now I want to buy it. I've also determined that Gladiator is a total ripoff of this film. Kill Bill Vol. 1: Excellent - the action scenes and the whole revenge plotline was thoroughly enjoyable. I would recommend this film to anyone. Vol. 2 is supposed to be even better and I can't wait to see it. Turbulence: Poor - the only thing this movie has got going for it is Ray Liotta. I was rooting for him to axe Lauren Holly's head off at the end of this movie. Planet of The Apes: Great - this is one of my all-time favourites, I had considered renting the re-make (which I've seen twice) but why watch the re-make when you can view the far-superior classic? Get your stinkin' paws off me you damn, dirty ape! True Lies: Good - I've always enjoyed this film and hadn't seen it in years. Great action and some funny scenes thrown in, thanks to Tom Arnold. The Sopranos Season 4: I can't believe I watched the whole season in the space of four days. It was terrific as always. The highlight for me was when Christopher's girlfriend, confronted by the FBI, pukes all over them in a boardroom. Tim: Poor - I bought this movie for $5 at Walmart a couple of weeks ago, mainly because it stars Mel Gibson. Based on a story by Colleen McCullough, this could have been a much better film. The acting was decent but the music in the background was absolutely horrid. It's back to work for me tomorrow. How the hell I'm going to get up at 5:30 in the morning all week is beyond my comprehension!
Lumpfest 2004
 Fucking Dentists: I just slept for almost 11 hours. I had my second and final round of gum surgery yesterday. My face is swollen again. When I told the dentist and his assistant that my face had swollen up after the first surgery, they didn't believe me. They kept asking me if I was sure and saying: "That's a first." WTF? I told them even my eye had swelled up. Fucking idiots.
I told the assistant that I wanted a prescription for Tylenol 3's this time. Last time, they told me to take Advil, which didn't help AT ALL. The assistant didn't want to give me a prescription. She said: "We don't give prescriptions for this." I said: "Well, you'll be giving me one." I wondered if she'd ever had the surgery done on herself - somehow I doubt it. 
So the dentist finally came in and she told him I wanted a prescription, he said: "No problem, I'll give you some Tylenol 3's." He gave me a prescription for 20. I was so relieved. Last November when I went through the first round, I shut my eyes but kept opening them every once in awhile during the procedure. At one point, I opened my eyes and saw blood all over the dentist's gloved hand. I wanted to throw up. This time, I kept my eyes shut during the entire procedure. Even though I wasn't on laughing gas, I felt hysterical and almost started giggling at one point. The drive home is always interesting. My brother picked me up and because I'm not supposed to talk for a half hour, he kept purposely asking me a barrage of questions that I could only answer with a mumbled: "Umm hmmm." I felt like Billy Bob Thornton in Slingblade. When I got home, the freezing on my mouth was wearing off, I could barely open my mouth to take a sip of water without being in pain. I took a total of three T-3's yesterday over about seven hours and I had horrible stomach pains just before I went to bed (even though I had eaten four or five pieces of bread and a bowl of soup) so I think I'll just take one T-3 at some point today, then later I think I'll get a "prescription" from a friend who makes house calls. I've rented a bunch of movies and the first seven episodes of The Sopranos, Season 4 and plan on lying on the couch staring at the TV for the next three days. And so, Lumpfest 2004 begins...
Horror story from the 401
I had the drive from hell home from work tonight. I left at my usual 4 p.m., humming a tune to myself as I wrongly assumed that because it is Easter Monday, there would hardly be any cars on the road. The morning drive was a breeze. Of course, as soon as I hit the Pickering area, all hell breaks loose. Apparently, there had been a huge accident somewhere in Ajax and only one lane of traffic was getting through. So I meandered my way along the 401 parking lot thinking the whole time "Fuck, I hate other people," and of course just as the traffic starts moving, some idiot broad with her three kids in the car cuts me off and I almost plow into her. What the fuck is wrong with people, driving like maniacs when their kids are with them? I ended up getting home about 6:30 p.m. I really hate driving.
The Boys Are Back In Town!
 A Canadian Classic Returns: The much-anticipated Season 4 premiere of Trailer Park Boys airs tonight on Showcase at 9 p.m. When we left them last season, Julian, Mr. Lahey and Randy were starting prison terms (due to Ricky's heist of an ATM machine) and suprisingly, Ricky avoided arrest and was made the new Sunnyvale Trailer Park Supervisor. Considering Mr. Lahey was vowing to kill Ricky when he got out of jail, I can't wait to see his reaction to the new management at the park. We Canadians will no longer be the only ones enjoying The Boys. On Thursday, April 15th at 9 p.m. Trailer Park Boys makes it's U.S. premiere on BBC America starting with Episode 1, Season 1. I wonder if Americans will take to this show like we Canadians have?
The Battle of Ontario
GO LEAFS GO! For the fourth time in the last five or six years, The Leafs face the Ottawa Senators in the opening round of the NHL Playoffs. The first three meetings were disastrous for the Senators and they haven't beaten The Leafs in a playoff match-up yet. In one sense, this is a good thing, because The Leafs don't usually have a problem eliminating Ottawa. On the other hand, as much as many Leaf fans malign the Senators, they are my second favourite team and I would prefer it if they lasted more than one round in the playoffs. C'est La Vie - when any team is playing my beloved Leafs, I want them to be crushed into dust. The Sens did not look good at all on Saturday night, where the blue and white romped all over them with a 6-0 win and although the game was in Ottawa, you could hear chants of "Go Leafs Go". When The Leafs scored, the crowd roared. Everytime Sens Captain Daniel Alfredsson touched the puck, Leaf fans booed him. So really, it's like The Leafs have a home ice advantage for seven games. I think my boys are going to take this series in five or six games. The players who will make a difference will be goaltender Ed Belfour (as usual) and defenceman Brian Leetch. First game of the best-of-seven playoff series is Thursday night.
I'm Gonna Miss My Girls!
 The Sex is Over: How, oh how am I ever going to go without my weekly Friday night fix of Sex and The City? The last episode of the show airs in Canada on Bravo tomorrow night.
Although I liked all four of the main characters, Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha, it was Carrie I most identified with. She was a writer, she smoked and she seemed to get into relationships that were all wrong for her, specifically her relationship with Big. When she finally let him go in Season 3, I was bawling my eyes out as my very own Big and I had just parted ways a few months earlier. They say time wounds all heels but maybe not in Carrie's case, since Big seems to big back in the picture. Carrie went through almost as many men as I have - my favourite of her boyfriends was Aidan. He was gorgeous, he was successful and he truly cared about her. He tried to get her to marry him but to no a-veil. I've read several detracting articles recently about the show and yes, it did sort of go downhill in the last eight episodes (and Carrie used more ridiculous puns than ever before) but I guess they had to bring the character's lives to a close somehow. My biggest problem with it is how I think it's going to end. It looks like all four women end up with a husband or steady boyfriend and yet this show used to be so empowering to single women. Charlotte ends up married to Harry, her divorce attorney and Miranda is married to Steve, the father of her child. Even Samantha has a steady boyfriend. Carrie's fate is undetermined - she's went to Paris with some Russian guy, because all her friends had hooked up. And we all know, girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends feel out-dated. As of last week's episode, Big is on his way to rescue Carrie from the Russian. Sure, it's kind of romantic but would she really even give him the time of day in real life? Just the thought of my ex-Big showing up in my life again to rescue me makes me totally ill. But this is only a TV show after all and TV shows are sort of like fairy tales, generally the characters live happily ever after. Will the four ladies on Sex and The City live happily ever after? I'll soon see...
Admiration must be earned
 Back To School: In Jackie Oh's Stardust Lounge, she has a regular feature called Question of The Week. Last week's question: Whom do you admire most? This got me thinking the other day about teachers I had through elementary school and how there were really only two who stood out in my mind: Miss Brown who became Mrs. Taylor and Mrs. Richardson. I had Miss Brown/Mrs. Taylor for Grades 1, 4 and 6 - she was kind and nice and a good teacher. The funniest thing is that she would meet her boyfriend for lunch (or he'd arrive with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken), drive off in his car and come back with hickeys on her neck - she tended to wear scarves around her neck to hide them. All the kids in the class would gossip about the newest hickeys she had that day. All in all though I think the entire class felt the same way about her - she was so great and so gorgeous. I wanted to be Miss Brown when I grew up! When I was in Grade 4 Miss Brown got married and invited the entire class to the wedding. She had on one of those great big floppy 70's hats, rather than a veil, as did her bridesmaids but the one thing that stands out in my mind about that wedding is that her fiance wore a fake denim suit. I'm sure he thought he looked cool and I'm also sure the two of them get a good laugh from their wedding pictures now, that is, if they're still married. I wonder if he still gives her hickeys? Mrs. Richardson helped me develop my writing skills to the point where she edited, printed and handed out an anonymous newspaper I wrote every month for the Grade 7 class. She also understood 13 year old kids. When several of us told her we weren't ready for the Catholic confirmation ceremony we were expected to go through with that year she told us it was up to us and agreed that we shouldn't have to do it if we didn't want to. Of course our parent's disagreed with that advice and forced us to confirm beliefs that we didn't feel were valid. I was shocked to find the above picture in a box this past weekend as I'd already started writing this blog. I wasn't looking for the pic but I think it was looking for me. And if you're still out there somewhere, thanks Mrs. Taylor and Mrs. Richardson!
This Just In...
 Sicko: I've been so busy at work lately (we had a major trade show this week) that I've let myself get run-down and I think I'm getting a cold. I may have gotten it from my neighbour who I shared a joint with recently and is now sick. My throat is sore, my nose is getting stuffy and I keep sneezing. Damn it! I've been taking echinacea and Vitamin C since she told me she was sick so hopefully that will help lesson the symptoms.
The Toronto Maple Leafs: Great trade last week with The New York Rangers for defenseman Brian Leetch. They kicked the Florida Panthers' asses 5-0 last night. Go Boys Go! Make me proud! Disaster Area: My brother has been painting the kitchen and dining room since Saturday and the house is a disaster. I'm sick to death of take-out food, the smell of pain and having to plug in and reprogram my coffee maker every damned day. Plus, with all this greasy food I've had to endure, I'm afraid I'm gaining weight. For fuck sakes finish it already! Bubbles, Ricky and Julian: Trailer Park Boys, season four, premieres April 4 at 9 p.m. on Showcase. To say I've been living for this season premiere is not an understatement. I can't wait to see the look on Mr. Lahey's face when he's out of jail and finds out Ricky is the new supervisor! Luck of the Irish Continues: The lucky streak I've been enjoying just keeps on going. On Wednesday I used a self-scanner for the first time ever at a grocery store and asked for $20 Cash-Back from the till. It gave me $25 (but only charged me $20). On Saturday, I won $10 on a $1 lottery ticket I purchased. On Monday I received a gift from a business associate I helped out last week. The gift - A Wallet. That's two wallets I've received in one week. Think I'm going to come into some money? Hopefully my next update will be written from the Bahamas! Over and out for today.
Bad Night For Bwian, Great Day For Me
 Shallow Show, Shallow Ending: As in the first edition of Average Joe, the supermodel single gal (in the latest series, Larissa Meek) chose the brain-dead hunk instead of the average joe.
Bwian from Bwaston was cweepy and from what I saw in the date scenes it was obvious he couldn't kiss either. Still, I couldn't help rooting for the guy, probably because he seemed like such a dweeb. Larissa though, couldn't keep her eyes off Gil, who when asked what he was hoping to get out of the "journey" told her straight out: "I'm hoping to become an actor." I honestly thought she would see right through Gil at that moment but her libido seemed to ignore the comment. When she told Gil later on that she used to date Fabio and Gil immediately dumped her, I laughed that instant karma had kicked in so quickly and bit her in the ass. Bwian, and it seems Larissa, both had a bad day - mine, on the other hand, was awesome. I won the Oscar Contest (and a DVD of the first season of the BBC show The Office) at our good friend Spaderboy's Monkeyshank Message Board. Then, when I came back from lunch, there was a box on my desk and inside it was a Buxton wallet with my name on it in gold - a gift from a supplier. Later on in the day, I went over to the GNC store at the mall to buy some carb blockers and I mentioned to the owner that I wish they sold Melatonin like their stores in the U.S. He smiled and motioned me over to a new display that included - Melatonin! It has apparently just been approved in Canada. Not only did I have a great day but I got a good night's sleep too. I hope this string of good luck lasts.
It's not Who You Know, It's Who You Blow...
Winning the Gene Pool Lottery: If she hadn't been born with a silver spoon up her arse, Belinda Stronach would probably be working as a cashier at Zeller's, rather than running for the Leadership of the Canadian Conservative Party. At 37 years old, Stronach has zero political experience, is a college dropout, has been divorced twice, doesn't speak French and was the former chief executive of auto parts manufacturer Magna International, a company her daddy owns. There is an interesting scandal brewing around Stronach and her relationship with former U.S. President Bill Clinton. She says he's "a friend" but more often than not when they are spotted together, they're arm-in-arm. Her "friend" Bill apparently encouraged her to run for the conservative party leadership spot. If Stronach wasn't such a stuck-up, poor-little-rich-girl, I might actually be a little jealous, after all, Clinton is not a bad looking guy and think of all that power he used to wield. This woman who was born a multi-millionaire is one of a pack of offspring who we in Canada seem to be stuck hearing about all the time. The other two are Catherine Clark (probably the least offensive of the three), the daughter of former Prime Minister Joe Clarke and Ben Mulroney, the smarmy CTV Canadian Idol host who is the son of Brian Mulroney, one of our most hated Prime Ministers in recent times. Personally, I think all three of them deserve a kick in the teeth. If it turns out for sure that Stronach has been fooling around with Clinton, I won't be surprised, she'll just look like even more of a bimbo than I suspect she is. Hopefully the Conservative Party of Canada will see this too and she won't stand a chance in hell of leading them.
Goddamn Trouble Making Dogs!
 An Embarassing Week To Be A Canadian: Our politicians and media can become hysterical over nothing. Take this week for example: Two ridiculous, totally blown out of proportion stories in the media involving dogs.
The first story the media keeps harping about is the dog poisonings at Withrow Park, a community area around the Riverdale neighbourhood in Toronto. The second is Triumph The Insult Comic Dog and his "bashing" of Quebecois. The top story every single morning and afternoon on 680 News is the latest update on Withrow Park - apparently the city is fencing off the park until the spring and a handful of residents are protesting. Yes, we all know one dog died and five others got sick two weeks ago. Haven't we heard enough about it? Besides the residents of the area, who really cares anymore? I sure as hell don't. Then of course there's Triumph. He ain't called The Insult Comic Dog for nothing. The day after his "attack" on French-speaking Canadians, our politicians totally over-reacted. "I think it was vile and vicious. I think it amounts to hate-mongering," said NDP MP Alexa McDonough. For fuck sakes McDonough, you useless piece of garbage, I didn't even realize you were still in politics, who gives a shit what you think?! Then the good old Toronto Star published an editorial in its Saturday edition that said: "Goodbye Conan. Don't come back soon.'' It was just reactionist bullshit, typical of a reactionist newspaper. I haven't regularly read The Star in years because it's filled with countless grammatical errors and typos and an idiotic editorial like that one isn't going to change my reading habits anytime soon. I don't like dogs to begin with and I'm sick to death of hearing about them. I just wish these news outlets would throw me a frickin' bone and stop talking about them.
Lord of Destruction
 The Devil Tempting Me To Waste Time? An old addiction came creeping up on me this week. No, not the shooting up heroin addiction, the Diablo II addiction. I have wasted countless hours playing the damn computer game every night after work and all for naught.
About two years ago, I played and finished the original Diablo II twice using two different characters, including The Amazon, pictured on the left. This was not good enough for Blizzard Entertainment, of course, and they had to put out a Diablo II Expansion pack, just to torture me. In the game, you venture into new lands and different levels, killing monsters as you go, and in many levels there are waypoints that you step on which automatically take you back into the "safe" zone, which is usually a village. Those points also allow you, when you start the game the next day, to just jump to that point and play it from there. That's all fine and good, if you can actually find the waypoints. I have a bad sense of direction at the best of times and fuck it - I haven't found the next waypoint after playing at least 6 hours of this damn game on three separate evenings. It wouldn't be so bad if after you saved and exited the game, the same monsters didn't return. But they do. Waaaah! So if you can't find the waypoint, you have to fight your way through the same bullshit you did the night before. I have vowed not to play it all weekend but the lure of El Diablo might be too much for me. I must resist - I must resist. In Hockey News: Holy Shit - tonight The Leafs came back from being down 4-0 to The Ottawa Senators and won 5-4 in overtime. I hate the Sens, so that made it even sweeter. Go Leafs Go!
Total Recall
 Mars Mission: Is anyone else as excited as I am, looking at the pictures taken by The Spirit and Opportunity Rovers of the planet right next door to us? I find myself checking CNN every day to see if there are any new pictures. Both NASA vehicles have had their share of problems but this is still the most exciting thing the organization has done in years. I keep thinking back to the night of the infamous eastern seaboard blackout in mid-August, when I knelt at my windowsill for ages, staring up at Mars, so red and so clear and bright in the sky beside the moon. To see good quality photos of the surface of that planet is thrilling beyond words. If NASA is given more funding as the current government is preparing to do (it's one of the few things Bush has done that I actually agree with) the possibilities are endless. During the first moon landing in 1969 I was very young. I vaguely recall my mother sitting me beside her on the couch, telling me I was watching something important. But I don't really remember anything. I like to think that 40 or 50 years from now, I'll be sitting on a couch somewhere, having a smoke and a glass of wine, watching the first manned Mars landing.
Separated at birth?
  Flipping through the red carpet pictures from last night's Golden Globes, I couldn't help but be struck by how Joan Rivers is reminding me less of the Crypt-Keeper, and more of another '80s icon.
I'm telling you, all she needs is Waylon Flowers at her side, and she could be back on Solid Gold. And I've said it before, but I'll say it again: is Nicole Kidman on really good drugs, or is she just dumb as a bag of hammers? Update: See? Look at those eyes! "I am big. It's Tom that got small(er)."
Texas-Tex-Tex-Tex-Texas. YEAHHH!
 I have a scream: Many Howard Dean supporters are stressed because Dean recently got a little too peppy at a pep rally. The Democratic presidential candidate's over-enthusiastic shouts made him sound like he was auditioning for a high school production of Oklahoma.
"He listed all the states where he would go on to win the primary vote and ended by screeching 'and then we're going to Washington DC to take back the White House! Yeeeearrgh!'." link Well, buck up little cowpokes,, and have some fun with Geography with Howard Dean. Don't forget to click on the man himself. And check out Elecampane's take on getting raucous in the caucus. Just want to make you cumma: If this doesn't put a smile on your face, you have a heart of stone: Hey Ya, Charlie Brown. (If this site goes over its bandwidth limit, bookmark it. It's well worth it.) Leave Your Mark: I've added a new comments feature after our dear friend Elecampane started to have problems with backBlog, which is now only allowing her five comments per post on her free account. That just won't do, will it? We'll see how Haloscan works out.
No one's ever really safe
Are they? There were four or five cop cars with their lights flashing just a few houses down the street from me tonight. A chopper was in the sky. I wouldn't have noticed any of it if my brother hadn't just come home and told me to look down the street. It was the last thing I expected to see in this quiet suburban neighbourhood. Earlier tonight, I thought I saw someone walking around in the neighbour's backyard. I figured I was just paranoid because I had smoked some hash so I looked again and saw no one. I remembered that last night around 2 a.m. as I was trying to get to sleep, I thought I heard someone trying to get into the house. I told my brother about it this afternoon because I initially thought it was him coming home and I hadn't expected him back, then I thought it was the next-door neighbours, although I never hear them past midnight. I kept hearing what I thought was someone tugging at the door. It had me a little freaked, maybe for good reason. I wondered if someone had been murdered just up the street, it wouldn't be the first time someone was killed on the same block where I live. Ten years ago, in Barrie, three people about half a block away from me were murdered by a guy I'd actually had in my apartment a year earlier, but that's a whole other story... The police have gone now and there's no yellow police tape around the house, so I'm thinking it was probably a B & E. It's still creepy though. Just last night, I went to the neighbour's place two doors down to watch a movie. I didn't bother locking my door. I thought of the movie Bowling for Columbine and how Michael Moore just walked into Torontonians houses because the doors weren't locked. A lot of people who saw that thought it was bullshit. I did - I always locked my door until I moved in here. There are times when we don't lock up. But we will now. You may think you're safe but are you really?
Did EZBoard break trying to fix our board?
 We've been suffering a lot of downtime on our message board lately, and whenever that occurs I dutifully report it to EZBoard's support forum. This evening the board was down for two hours. Very frustrating.
 Now the whole system seems to be down, just when I wanted to read more of how our favourite Monkey and Crow enjoyed their honeymoon in Vegas.
If you are reading this, you most likely found us through our re-direct domain name WeHateEveryone.com. Thanks to our latest benefactor, the handsome random def, we have a new home. Until we get discovered by the Koreans that is. No matter where we go, we can usually be found at http://whe.has.it, http://bitch.has.it and http://evil.rules.it. Much love and gratitude to Pru, who hosted us for two years at greydude.com. Your unfailing encouragement and generosity have not only been appreciated, but also inspirational.
Who wouldn't want to be Howard Hughes?
 Hibernating Hermit: My brother calls me a recluse. When I get home after work I'm too tired to go out and on the odd weekend that I am home I don't want to leave the house, at all. So what if my favourite thing to do is snuggle up with my cat under an afghan, smoke hash and watch movies all winter?
The other day I was thinking about Howard Hughes. A multi-billionaire, in the last days of his life Hughes never had to leave his house. Now wouldn't that be ideal? According to most reports, Hughes turned into a reclusive drug-addict, living locked in darkened rooms and terrified of germs. He moved from hotel to hotel, from the Beverly Hills Hotel to Boston to Las Vegas, where he bought the Desert Inn (because they threatened him with eviction) and a few other hotel and casinos. Hughes apparently bought television stations such as KLAS-TV in Las Vegas so that there would be something to watch when he was up all night with insomnia, something I can totally sympathize with. He became addicted to codeine (uh oh, I better watch myself with the Tylenol 3's) and other painkillers, wore Kleenex boxes as shoes, let his fingernails and toenails grow to unbearably disgusting lengths and stored his urine in jars. As his body deteriorated, he ended up moving to the Bahamas (because it really is better there), Vancouver, London, and several other places. It seems he always occupied the top floor penthouse with the windows blacked out - and every time he moved out the hotel owners needed to remodel to clean up after him. Hughes died on an airplane enroute from his penthouse in Mexico to the Methodist Hospital in Houston in 1976. I started thinking maybe my brother was right, I was becoming a recluse like Howard Hughes. I hadn't had a haircut since September and hell, who needs to shave their armpits and legs when you don't have a boyfriend and you have to cover them up because of the cold weather every day? Yesterday, I left my reclusive ways behind (for now, anyway). I shaved my legs and pits and got a haircut. I couldn't believe how great it all made me feel. Still, if I had even a fraction of Howard Hughes' money, I think it'd be all too simple to just hide away from the world for years. I have to start buying more lottery tickets!
The Kennedys are worse for your health. Just ask Marilyn.
  I wanna kill: It's the fourteenth. I haven't smoked since New Year's day. It hasn't been too bad until last night and today. Right now I feel I could rip someone to shreds with my teeth.
I'm not sure if it's the smoking or the lack of sleep that's getting to me. My daughter is teething, and has been waking frequently every night since Thursday. She sleeps next to me and nurses, which isn't too bad unless she's screaming out in pain. It's hard to be a wife and mommy when you're this grouchy. Alone time just isn't an option. I had nearly two hours alone last night after taking the kids to playgroup, but then was up again all night with screaming mimi. In retrospect, I'm shocked I haven't had one cigarette, especially since my husband is still smoking in the house. I suppose I should feel proud about not smoking, but it's difficult when I feel so out of sorts. Maybe I'll just settle for being proud I haven't killed anyone yet. 
Smoking links: smokingcelebs.com smokingsides.com
If you look close, you can see my tits
Gimme Mick, gimme Mick, Wavy hair, bulging eyes, lips so thick, Are you woman , are you man? I'm your biggest funked up fan, So rock me, And roll me, 'til I'm sick. Some girls want Travolta, All black and white and slick, But there's funky screamin' mamas yellin' Gimme Mick! A 12 by 5 performance, Take my wife and all that schtick, Makes me dyin' just to meet ya (chorus sung with backup) Spoken: You, Mick Jagger, actually continued to perform in a concert, where someone got knived and killed in the '60s. You, Mick Jagger, are English and go out with a model, and get an incredible amount of publicity. You, Mick Jagger, don't keep regular hours. You, Mick Jagger, have the greatest Rock & Roll band in the history of Rock & Roll and you dont even play an instrument yourself. Backup: Rock and roll, rock and roll... Candy: Rock and roll, rock and roll... Backup: Gimme, gimme, rock and roll.. Candy: Gimme, gimme rock and roll.. (They get into a little 'Gimme' medley, music interlude) (Chorus) Burp - by Candy Slice and the Slicers   Am I the only one out there who remembers this on SNL? Aside from these people, I mean? It was sung by Gilda Radner as Candy Slice, a character loosely modelled after Patti Smith.
These days SNL features Britney and Justin. I never thought I'd miss the seventies and eighties. But some days, I do. I'm just guessing at the lyrics here. Somewhere I still have my copy of Gilda Live on vinyl, but turntable isn't even hooked up anymore.
I'd freeze my balls off if I had any...
The Deep Freeze: My god, could it get any colder? A week ago, we Torontonians were enjoying temperatures of 10 to 15 degrees celcius. Today the high is - 20 C. I guess I shouldn't complain but it's not like I signed up for this deal. When it gets bitterly cold, I blame my parents - couldn't they have moved to Florida or something when I was a little kid? Selfish bastards. The good news is today is Friday and my first week back to work after two weeks vacation has finally come to an end. Now to go home to a peaceful house this evening and smoke myself into oblivion!
Does anyone speak Korean?
We seem to have gone over our hostess's bandwidth allowance, using 24 Gigs of bandwidth in December. This month, in just the first five days, we used 3 Gigs. It turns out a few Korean sites hotlinked images from our Beautiful People section (featuring celebrities without makeup) and their pages have been getting thousands of hits. The bastards didn't even link us! Adding insult to injury, the one page plays the song Lady by Kenny Rogers. I'm thinking it's time for another Korean war.
Just breathe through your nose...
Those of you who don't visit our message board should not miss out on this bit of genius from one of our moderators, mi1k. On the subject of teabagging:
I wonder how many people first learned of teabagging through Sex and the City? The best definition is from urbandictionary.com.
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the cock is a perfectly normal, perfectly healthy, beautiful young man.
