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A Cat Tale
 Rebecca: I had a friend over last weekend and, as usual, we smoked a joint in the dining room and proceeded into the computer room to fuck around on the internet. About an hour later we decide to smoke another joint. So I go over to the dining room table, where I was sure I'd left my foil-wrapped chunk of hash. Strangely, it wasn't there. Underneath the table, however, was my cat, my safety pin and a small piece of foil.
Pandora: She freaked. Terrified that her cat had swallowed the hash (how do you explain that to a vet?) Becky proceeded to tear apart the bookshelf under which her kitty keeps her supply of foil balls. Now, most cats love to play with balls of foil, but Becky's cat is absolutely obsessive about it. Every time she cracks open a new pack of smokes, the cat comes running for her obligatory rolled up ball of foil. Rebecca tosses the ball, the cat chases and fetches the ball, plops it into an empty ashtray and waits until it is thrown again. I believe this cat is part dog, as well as possessed by Satan, but that story is for another day. Anyway, Rebecca finally got through ripping apart her bookshelf where she found a pile of gold foil balls (courtesy of Matinee Slims Extra Mild 100s) and a single silver one. "Fucking excellent, this is it," she said, grabbing the silver ball (courtesy of President's Choice generic kitchen foil) and opening it to find the hash. Her demonic-cat-from-hell was safe. They took all the foil balls and threw them around the room. The cat was flying across the apartment playing with three at a time. She thought she'd died and gone to heaven. When Rebecca related her story at work the next day, a colleague said: "I would have torn the cat open if that had happened to me." I'd fucking love to be a cat. We'd like to send some sweet, hot loving to Bob Barker who has turned legal in 10 provinces and three territories today. Happy birthday, Bob! We're drinking some gin and tonic in honour of you today. Okay, we'd be drinking it anway, but you get the point.
Management Lesson
How many of you have to deal with complete morons at work? I can normally handle stupid, idiotic co-workers but when the most annoying person in the office is your boss it becomes complete living hell. My boss has little temper tantrums, he swears at people, tells them they "Fucked-up" all the time and doesn't apologize when he is proven wrong (which is most of the time). It's like working for a 10-year-old boy, only he's less mature. I came across this little story today and thought I would share it with our loyal readers. It sums up my work situation perfectly:
Semi-related link: Kevin Spacey's Kick Ass Sounds. Barely related link: Benicio Del Toro.
It's All About Popularity
 The Academy Awards are on tonight and my prediction is that all the people who don't deserve to win an award will win. Take Julia Roberts for example, who is up for Best Actress in Erin Brockovich. Even though she's not a very good actress and I actually fell asleep while watching Erin Brockovich, she'll win because Hollywood and the general public loves her.
 Under the Supporting Actress category, I would like to see Frances McDormand win for Almost Famous. I saw that movie on the weekend and she is hilarious in it. The winner, though, will likely be Kate Hudson, from the same movie, whose acting is mediocre and about as exciting as Jennifer Love Hewitt's. But she's cute, pretty and perky (not to mention Goldie Hawn's daughter) so she'll win.
What I really, really, hope though is that Tom Hanks does not win Best Actor again. I like Tom Hanks but I don't want to see him walk away with a third Oscar - BORING! I hope Russell Crowe gets it for Gladiator. I could care less about most of the other awards but I'll stay up to watch the whole thing, like I do every year. I'll regret it tomorrow when I'm an exhausted basketcase at work... Who's the most annoying Oscar personality?
Why Can't All Men Be Gay?
 Wait a sec, I'm just rethinking my title - that would mean no procreation - oh well. Yes, it's true, I don't actually hate everyone, I can't. Mainly because I not only love gay men - I am crazy about them!
OK, enough with the love fest. As some of you know, I was royally pissed when sweet, gorgeous and gay Jeff Varner was booted off Survivor a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to be able to see his gorgeous face and bod til the end of the season. Unfortunately, that was not meant to be. Still, I can dream: Jeff Varner: My Future Husband I've had a thing for gay men for years - that's probably why we're adding a second page about it, not including the ode to gay Survivor winner Richard Hatch! Now that I rethink my title, I really do wish that all men were gay, I just wish that gay men were attracted to women!
The Killing Fields
 Being a born again carnivore, I'm very happy I'm not living in Europe at the moment. I mean, what the hell is going on with their animals over there? Mad cow disease has been running rampant for a couple of years and now there's some big outbreak of foot and mouth disease. Livestock farmers in Britain are currently destroying millions of cows, pigs and sheep, including healthy ones, to stop the disease from spreading.
Foot and mouth disease symptoms in animals include fever and blister-like lesions followed by erosions on the tongue and lips, in the mouth, on the teats, and between the hooves. Humans can't get the disease but can spread it by wearing contaminated clothes or footwear that passes the virus to animals. Canada has imposed a ban on all meat and dairy products originating in Europe and our newspapers have been filled with pictures of fields of burning cattle. Anyone arriving here from Europe has to walk over disinfected carpets at the airport. If only I were still a vegetarian; I would have had a field day with this topic. "You see," I could have said. "This probably wouldn't be happening if humans weren't raising animals for food. It's obviously NOT normal to eat meat." The interesting thing is, you'd think PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) would be saying the same thing. I just went to their website and the European animal slaughters are not even mentioned. They do highlight Pamela Anderson's TV commercial against leather though. I don't think there'll be much leather coming out of Britain in the next year or two (unless it's slightly crisp) so I guess they'll be happy about that. They also talk about Cruel Killing On CBS's Survivor and how upset they are over the death of one pig during an episode of the top-rated show. PETA is asking concerned citizens to write to CBS and Survivor's sponsors to express their disapproval. A special note to PETA: you might want to look past all the TV and celebrity issues you're so concerned with. In case you haven't noticed, there's a lot more than one pig being slaughtered in Europe.
More, more, more...
I Like A Good Steak: I think if people weren't meant to eat meat, it wouldn't be so damned tasty. Speaking of tasty, don't you just love when one group of militant freaks tries to latch onto another? Check out this link I found on PETA's site while looking for a graphic for Rebecca's post. They want pro-lifers to "Go Veg," as if they weren't vegetables already. Here's a quote from the site: It is inconsistent to be pro-life and also support violence, misery, and death every time you eat. The issue of abortion involves many decisions, but going vegetarian involves only one. We have to ask ourselves, "Do I want to support animal abuse by eating the corpse of a tortured animal?" Not everyone faces the abortion question, but everyone eats. For a person committed to saving lives, the answer should be obvious. Sure the answer is obvious, if the question is: "How many other fanatical sheep can we suck into our own cult-like movement?" Are they going to start handing out veggie burgers at anti-abortion protests? Perhaps they can help provide ammunition next time an abortion doctor gets targeted.  
Here are some more ideas for marketing vegetarianism but better yet, did you know Jesus was a veg? It says so right here at JesusVeg.com. I shit you not. They even include a section on the Jewish perspective (just to make sure all bases are covered). But wait, didn't that old booze-hound Jesus eat fish? Not so, according to Jesus Veg: Most scholars agree that the post-resurrection stories of Jesus eating fish were added to the Gospels long after they were written, in order to settle various schisms in the early Church. (e.g., the Marcionites and other early Christians believed that Jesus did not actually return in the flesh. What better way to prove that he did than to depict him eating?) The scribes who added the stories were not, apparently, averse to eating fish. But since this is the only depiction anywhere in the Gospels of Jesus eating any animals at all, and in light of all the additional evidence, above, it seems clear that Jesus was.
Flash 'Em If You Got 'Em
 Show us your tits! Or at least tell us about them. We're discussing breasts in the forum, if anyone's interested.
If you just like to watch, look here. If not, check out Rebecca's latest on Survivor 2. It took me so long to lay out the damned page, I missed the show. Did Rudy win? I don't understand why some people feel you have to be over 18 to see boobs (or, more specifically, the evil female NIPPLE!). They're meant to feed babies, for God's sake. Stupid puritan assholes. Anyway, I know you're out there, so tell us what you think about boobs damn it!!
Survivor Suckers! Most Survivor fans wanted and expected Jerri Manthey to get voted off tonight but obviously we're not done with her yet. It was close, but Alicia ended up getting the boot and Jerri just might win it all. Here's The Jerri Manthey Worship Page.
Crumby Post
 Hey, there are some of you out there who are actually
voting for us, so I have to say: Thank you, thank you very much. If any of you would like to take pity on us again, it would be much appreciated. I'm King of the Mercy Fucks! I'm sitting here trying to figure out why there are errors on my page, and it's driving me nuts. This Dr. HTML is useless to me. Or perhaps I'm useless.  I received an email from Deviantonline, asking for a link exchange. We linked him, but he hasn't linked us back yet. Hmmmm.... He obviously doesn't know Rebecca, she might put a hurtin' on him. (Yes I know it's a cliche picture, but it's so darned cute.) Turns out Deviant and I live in the same city. It seems Canada has a higher rate per capita of E/N webmasters and comedians than the United States.
Did you see the movie Crumb? That guy had one fucked up family. Dear Lord, why must we suffer for our genius?
Wimmens Be Thinkin' Too Much
I just wasted a few minutes of my life trying to figure out the meaning of the word "wombynz", after viewing a page for the Pentacle 16 Step Recovery Wombynz Group. I've heard of womyn, but wombyn?!? Why not call ourselves Keepers of the Vagina? I hate that creative spelling; it reminds me of girls who spell their name Cyndi or Tiffani. I was working as a newspaper reporter when the government released media handbooks for politically correct terms, such as "chairperson" and "mentally challenged." I refused to use them when they sounded stupid, and my editor agreed. If I was heading a committee, I'd much prefer to be called chairman to chairwoman (or how about chairgrrrl?). Chairperson just sounds retarded. Oops.
Smoke?
 The new warnings on Canadian cigarette packages are out in full force on store shelves. It's no wonder stores are already selling colourful cardboard packages to slip your cigs into if you are bothered by pictures of premature infants and rotting gums. I don't know if the graphic warnings will help people quit, or just encourage us to buy snazzy cigarette cases like those popular in the '40s and '50s. Check out our gallery of Canadian smokes. Some of the warnings are pretty harsh, if you ask me. (And no, we didn't mock these up ourselves... we can spell.)
In Canada, we call them smokes, eh? As an aside, I'd like to thank the godfader for helping get me out of my slump, and corpsie for informing me our site looks like shit in Netscape.
Any Palladini Is A Dead Pal Of Mine
Ontario Tory Al Palladini has died of a massive heart attack. I received this in an email from Rebecca yesterday: "Did ya hear Al Palladini died today? He was vacationing in Mexico. I had two thoughts on that one: first, I wished it was (my ex-boyfriend) Kevin, then I wished it was (Toronto Mayor) Mel Lastman. Why does he keep on living????? Lastman will probably live till he's 100." Rebecca is what you'd call a sensitive sort of girl. Too bad we didn't know each other when Ronald Reagan was shot. We'd have had a blast following that one on the news, although I remember being bitterly disappointed when he survived. Ah, childhood memories...  I love that story: In entertainment news, Paul Reubens, is not only featured in a new Johnny Depp film called Blow, but is set to host the television version of the game show You Don't Know Jack and will reprise his role as Pee Wee Herman in TWO films (one for adults, and one for kids). More on Pee Wee later. Until then, share your Pee Wee memories with us and take our Pee Wee Poll.
The Pee Wee Herman Curiouser, webring, and more.
Pop Divas On A Downhill Slide
 Is it just me, or does Madonna seem to be emulating Britney Spears lately? Okay, I'm making this statement after watching one video from each of these women, but I swear Madonna had Britney's same hairstyle, down to the last chemically-streaked strand. Sure Madonna looks pretty good for 40, but she's twice Britney's age. And isn't she known for being an innovator?
It's ridiculous when older generations emulate young hipsters, or scenesters, or whatever the hell they're called these days. The worst was when rich bitches started following the punk and grunge trends, sporting shiny black Sid Vicious hairdos with expensive leopard-look handbags and designer flannels with ripped jeans. To me, grunge wasn't so much a trend as a lack of money. And by the time the rich elite adopted punk, poor Sid was dead and buried. When your grandmother starts stealing your glowsticks, it's time to find something new. Speaking of old hags, I only recently saw Kurt and Courtney, Nick Broomfield's film which features everyone and his mother pointing the finger at Courtney Love for the death of Kurt Cobain. I was skeptical about the accusations when I first heard them, but by the end of the film I couldn't help but think that fucking bitch is a murderer. I'm curious to know what other people think. If you have an opinion, please post it on our message board.
Bosses Ruin The Working Experience
 This funny guy I work with was walking around with a bag of weed in his vest pocket today, he's so weird. It smelled. It smelled bad. Another guy says to him: "Christ, you smell like a skunk and I know it's the weed you've got on you." I was laughing my head off. Then I said: "Holy shit, I smelled something weird when I was in your office and I thought it was whatever you'd had for lunch."
CHRIST - Why does does my boss even have to BE THERE!! I am having such a good time with all these people, except for him and his fucking weirdo brother! My boss' brother walks around, and I kid you not, like he's a macho man. He really does. He's about as short as my boss is, like 5 ft. 2, he's fat and he always has his shirt unbuttoned - he even has gold chains! Not to mention the fact that he has a toupee that everyone in our office refers to as: "the squirrel". Plus, he struts around there like he's the king of the fucking world. It is truly revolting. On the other hand, my boss truly is king of his little world. Almost every good idea he has was been stolen from someone else - and, every time something goes wrong (and I'd say 90% of the time it's because he couldn't make a decision) he blames it on me or someone else. I'm finally standing up to him, though, and it feels good. It'll feel even better once I get the hell out of there.
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