 |
| home | email whe | email bex | g*book | forum | bexcam | whecam | cams |
|
Today our beloved friend and guest columnist LithSausage offers a few tips on Road Trip Basics.
When deciding on a place to go for a road trip make sure you go south. You can go east and west quite a bit too, but make sure you DO NOT GO ANY NORTHER THAN IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. Why? 1. It always gets warmer the more south you go. If you go north you might freeze your ass off. 2. People who actually live south are a lot nicer than the people you live with in the north. The norther you go more people are going to NOT be friendly. Ever notice how even in crappy neighborhoods the people on the south side of the steet are always nicer than the bastards on the north side? 3. Everything gets cheaper the more south you go; alcohol, tobacco, gas, drugs, women. While traveling south I have found some easy indicators to determine that you have gone south enough. 1. UNBEARABLE HEAT. If you can't stand the heat you better stop before you drive into the sun. 2. THE EQUATOR. You can stop here. There are no more benefits of traveling souther. Except being burned alive by the sun. 3. RED DIRT. That's right! Southern dirt is red! Go out and smear some in your hand and on your shirt. Fuck black dirt! Red dirt fucking rules! 4. ALLITERATION. When you see signs for Karl's Kool Kitchen or Ken's Karpet Korner you better take note on your map to see how far south you have gone. 5. ACCENTS. People talk funny and it's not ebonics. If you go any souther you will have to learn another language. DO NOT DO THESE THINGS ON YOUR TRIP! 1. Use the tiny little streets on the map to make a "shortcut". It is just like in that fucking movie I swear. 2. Trust an unproven driver with your car unless you have insurance or a deathwish. 3. Fuck with the locals. No matter how tempting. It is just like in that movie. 4. Use a styrofoam cooler. No, duck tape does not make it stronger. 5. Use chopsticks to eat fried chicken, cornbread, and grits in a restaurant. No need to show off, use your hands and request wetnaps. 6. Trust your gas guage or that LOW FUEL light that is supposed to warn you. 7. Stop for hitchhikers or help people on the side of the road. 8. Forget your camera or film. UFO, Bigfoot, Elvis, or a kick-ass gory accident count as Kodak moments. 9. Eat at a place called STAKE 'n' SHAKE, HARDEE'S, WAFFLE HOUSE, or McDONALD'S. Eat berries, bark, lard, and mushrooms. 10.Get busted. For some reason all the jails are south.
|
