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Moving Day From Hell

Sunday, August 26, 2001

You should have been reading this last night, but the fact that you couldn’t was only a minor glitch in what turned out to be one of the worst moving experiences I think I’ve ever had.

My new roomie and I packed up everything on Friday night and Saturday morning and the moving men were scheduled to show up at 2 p.m. I had originally scheduled the service elevator for 11 a.m. – 2 p.m. but couldn’t book a mover until 2 p.m. So I called my building super at least three times this week to ask her to change my elevator booking. Well, the fat bitch didn’t do it. So when the movers arrived around 1:30, the security guard looked at the schedule and told them I’d already moved out. So they left.

Meanwhile, up in the apartment, I’m wondering where the fuck these guys are. 2:30 rolls around and I’m starting to panic a bit. At 2:45 I go down to security and the guy tells me he told them I’d already left. Of course I start freaking but calm down enough to sweet talk him into using his phone (I’d had mine disconnected) and I phone the moving company and get their bloody answering machine and explain what happened and ask them to PLEASE send someone over as soon as they can.

An hour later, no one has shown up. I’m bawling my eyes out because the cut-off time for the service elevator is 4:30 p.m., my new roomie is hugging me and she’s practically in tears too. I’m trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to get a day off work next week to move. But all I really wanted to do was start throwing things because I was also very, very angry.

Then there’s a knock on the door. I answer it and it’s the moving men. I was so happy to see them I wanted to hug them. They apologized and I said: “No, need, I know it wasn’t your fault.”

They pack everything up and we get to the new house, and as soon as the truck backs into the driveway, our new neighbours on both sides come out to watch. They sat on their front steps the entire time we moved in. Even the moving men said: “What’s up with your neighbours?” I’ll tell you what’s up, I thought – they’re fucking freaks.

When we get inside I try out the phone line. It’s not working, even though I had arranged to have it connected on Saturday. What a surprise. I was able to at least dial the phone company and they said it should be connected within three hours and if not, they have booked a service man is come to fix it the next day.

So later, I drop my new roomie off at her current residence (she’s moving next weekend) and come home to find a car in my driveway. I have no idea whose car it is. There are cars parked all over the street so I have to park nearly a block away. When I try the phone it still isn’t working (which meant, no online time also) so I can’t even call a tow truck or my new landlord.

The cable is not working so I have to wait until September 6th to see any new TV shows. That was the soonest a so-called “technician” can come over to hook it up. What the hell am I going to do without my daily fix of The Bold & The Beautiful?! Not to mention, Big Brother?

Probably one of my worse moments just before getting ready for bed was, having found the coffee maker and not being able to find the coffee. Then I found the instant coffee but not the kettle. Nah, that doesn’t even compare with misplacing my cigarettes for about an hour…

It’s now 1 a.m. Sunday morning. My cat Mokie has finally come out from her hiding place, behind the toilet. She’s crying a bit but is walking around me in circles. I’m so happy to see her. I’m also very happy that moving day is over…

Moving Day

Friday, August 24, 2001

The worst thing about moving has got to be packing loads and loads of all the crap you've accumulated over the years into a bunch of boxes. It always amazes me just how much junk I save and continue to save, usually for sentimental reasons. Something I'm enjoying about this particular move is filing away gifts and cards, etc., from my ex - under garbage!

I have moved at least 12 times in the past 10 years. Usually, I can call in favours and get my brother and brother-in-law to pitch in and it basically costs me a 2-4 of Molson Canadian and a couple of pizzas. This time, sadly enough, I have no one to help except my future room-mate, who, like me, is a female and unable to lift heavy furniture. So, poor as I am, I had to hire a moving company. I guess in many ways it's a good thing, since my back is already killing me.

There are some mixed feelings floating around in my head at the moment. I feel a little sad because I have enjoyed living alone in a condominium for three years, there's a certain anonimity to it, but the rent is just way too expensive. I also feel pretty happy though. The house my friend and I are renting is huge, with four bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, a dishwasher, a washer/dryer AND a fireplace! I have always been obsessed with fireplaces and this is the first time I will ever live somewhere that actually has one. There will be many an evening spent building and sitting by the fireplace this winter!

The big move takes place tomorrow afternoon and I'll be sure to post pics of my new abode on the site, once I'm unpacked and settled in.

Rubber ducky, you're the one

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

Guest columnist Elecampane shoots the shit about her dog
and the shitty duck from hell.



Last week was rough. All kinds of shit was going down in my life. But let me tell you, you ain’t seen shit fly until you’ve seen the damage our family dog Mr. Happy can do when he puts his pea sized little canine mind to it.

Arriving home with my two small children in tow after a grueling day at the office, I joined the kids in greeting Mr. Happy. I took one look at his pathetic, pain-filled brown eyes and I knew that Mr. Happy had committed some sort of vile dog crime against humanity. That’s when it hit me. The smell. The vile smell of Mr. Happy poo. Mr. Happy had pooped and puked in nearly every room in our house.

Alright, so it was looking like dinner would be back burnered for awhile. I grabbed a mop and bucket, donned my latex gloves and got busy with the clean up. Scrubbing away, I worked my way upstairs. There, perched on top of a pile of poo, I saw what appeared to be a chocolate ducky. Upon closer inspection, I realized that this was no present from the Easter Bunny, this duck had been passed through the entrails of our 85 lb Rottweiler. It was the shitty duck from hell.

So what in the world would possess this animal to ingest a rubber ducky?

Could Mr. Happy be the hired hitman for Bert from Sesame Street? Had Bert hatched some sort of bizarre plot to eliminate the object of his gay lover Ernie’s affection: the innocent little rubber ducky?

Was it a subliminal message planted in Mr. Happy’s impressionable little brain by Art Vandelay, self professed ducky hater?


Here is a quote from Mr. Art Vandelay as posted on a public message board:

“Little baby ducks (shudder) scare me because they feel they are above the law. No one ever suspects the lbd. They are so damned cute. What do you think when you see a lbd? You think "awwwwwww...look at the little cutie"...
They know it damn it and they will use it against us some day and kill us all.
No one ever suspect the little bastards…

Its only a matter of time before the little bastards take over.
They already control the media, they already control the fast food industry...its only a matter of time before they control us all.
Wait...did you hear that? I shouldn't be talking about this on an unsecured site… they created the internet for christsakes...i should stop....its only a matter of time before they track me down.

Just heed my words and NEVER turn your back on the little balls of fury. Each quack could be your last. Carpe Duckem...seize the duck. Enjoy life................ while you can.
Remember, blood rolls off a duck's back even easier than water does.”


Indeed blood may roll of a duck’s back even easier than water, but does dog bile? Was Mr. Happy just a pawn in another ducky hater’s fowl game of chess?

Well, whatever the root of this evil deed, I feel no pity for the dog who committed the crime. Let him suffer the horrors of severe gastrointestinal distress. It serves him right for subjecting poor little rubber ducky to the distress of passing through the entrails of hell.

Caves, Mounds and Showers

Sunday, August 19, 2001

Had another interesting trip to Wisconsin to visit our camboy Eigh. The nearly week-long adventure included touring a cave, lots of late nights, sleeping late, several road trips and of course, shopping!

Interestingly enough, I learned that Americans have many, many more television channels than we Canadians do. Would you believe they have a Game Show Channel and a Soap Opera Network? Lucky for me, the Soap channel was running a Knots Landing Marathon and I saw a couple of early episodes of the show. That was cool. And Eigh and I watched an episode (from the 1970s I think) of The $100,000 Pyramid, hosted by Dick Clark. Getting to see a brand new episode of South Park was also a bonus. For some reason, we don't get the new ones in Canada any longer...

Something else I always notice when I'm at Eigh's is the purity of the air in Wisconsin. It actually smells sweet (as opposed to the smog in Toronto) and besides the mosquitoes, being outside there is quite a pleasant experience.

Wisconsin, Part 2 can be found by clicking here.

Alive and Well!

Wednesday, August 15, 2001

I made it back to Toronto from Wisconsin in only 11 hours and drove my usual speed of 130-140 km an hour (80-90 miles an hour for you Americans)! I'm exhausted but appreciative of the comfortable temperatures I drove in today. What a difference a week makes!!

Some of the highlights of my drive included the ungodly smell when I hit Detroit - it smelled like a combination of shit and methane gas - and the many morons who tailgated and/or cut me off on the way. I guess the real highlight though would have to be the Ontario truck driver who was waving at me like a madman in the Chicago area when he saw my Ontario license plate. With all the driving I've been doing lately, I certainly have a lot more respect for truckers than I used to, but that's another topic for another day.

I had a really great time while I was in Wisconsin and will report on my second visit with Eigh later on this week.

Why Didn't I Get Air Conditioning?

Sunday, August 12, 2001

After a rather harrowing 12-hour drive on Wednesday, I made it to Eigh's place in Wisconsin in one piece. The drive was particularly hellish, due to the 40 degree temperatures, no air conditioning in my car and the fact that I got lost in Chicago.

I was on the correct highway, going in the correct direction, but the map I'd downloaded from the internet told me the highway I should be on was north but instead it was actually west. So I end up turning off the correct highway and got lost. Not too lost, mind you, but I was still a little worried. A trucker gave me directions back to the right highway and basically gave me bad directions. Then some guy saw me freaking in my car at a stoplight and asked me if was lost. I said yes and he actually did give me perfect directions to my destination. When I was lost, everyone I dealt with was nice to me, which was a relief.

I got a pretty bad sunburn (even though I used a sunscreen of 30 in the car and kept slathering it on) that has turned into a nice tan. The bad news is, it is only on my driver's side arm. What kind of bullshit is that, I'd like to know?!

Eigh and his sis and I went to the "big city" and saw the capital building and shops downtown. And of course, Bath & Body Works, which, just like the damn Body Shop keeps discountinuing all the scents and products I like. DAMN.

This afternoon, Eigh heroically killed a wasp that was threatening to fly up the bottom of my bath robe. As always when confronted with a wasp, I jumped up, screeched and waited for someone else to bring it to its untimely end, which he did! Woo hoo! Tonight, we watched the movie Final Destination. Pretty lame but great and very creepy plane crash scene. It was the highlight of the entire film but of course, it was one of the first scenes in the movie. We also checked out Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon which was totally excellent.

The high temperatures seem to be gone for now, I just hope it stays cool for my drive home...

The secret word of the day

Tuesday, August 07, 2001

If I see the word fucktard one more time I am going to vomit. It is now the most overused word on the internet. Somehow it's not as irksome when it's spelled 'fuctard' but that's just me. So if you use the word fucktard, please be prepared to have your eyeballs raped by Satan.

Speaking of Satan, I received this creepy tidbit from the Comtesse DeSpair, who does the Morbid Fact Du Jour mailing list:

Two German men were jailed for life in April, 1999 for murdering a prostitute to make a "snuff" movie. The woman was tied up, raped and tortured before being strangled and her ordeal captured on video. It was cheaper than employing actors and special effects, a court in Hagen, Germany, was told. Ernst Dieter Korzen, 37, and Stefan Michael Mahn, 30, picked up the 21-year-old Turkish prostitute in Cologne and took her to their isolated farm. Her body was later found on a rubbish tip, her hands and feet bound with metal and a rope round her neck.

The court heard the crime was uncovered because the woman died too quickly and a second woman was abducted to complete the video, but managed to escape and alert police. It is the first time anyone has been convicted of a murder captured on film. Prosecutor Wolfgang Rahmer said: "From my experience, this represents a new depth in perversion. You see the victim begging for her life, pain being inflicted and massive sexual torture." Before this case, lack of evidence had led to scepticism over the existence of snuff movies.

But Mr Rahmer said he had no doubt that an industry existed. "We know that there is no sexual perversion that cannot be marketed, and you would be amazed at the sums offered for such perverse videos." Frankfurt prosecutor Job Tilmann said the film would have fetched up to £10,000 in America. "People soon get bored and then the perversion escalates. There is no limit to the cruel fantasies that can be shown." Belgian private eye Andre Rogge, who specialises in missing children, said the German case was not an isolated one."I know from my experience that this is a thriving market. On some videos you can see children under four being tortured. But police have been unable to identify any of the victims."


It's almost enough to make you use the word fucktard, isn't it?

Snuff Movie / Numb Me

             numb me
             this reeking film
             i'm making fades
             into the compost
             flesh i've become

the action was a murder plot
the movie made itself
go through the motion
the spectator hypnotic

             numb me
             i am endangered
             to the point
             where slashes in my flesh
             are mere shadows

all film
is now considered outlaw
all actors
pure filler
this woman
the promotional victim

             numb me
             disfigure flesh
             until it carries
             an ultimate reflex
             the alphabet
             of russian roulette

lens and shutter
were not spared
when metal and plastic
fluttered and fell
it could have been skin

             numb me
             rescue these crazy-mouthed symbols
             this voice devastating terror
             i'm rotting and bleeding
             it's already knee-deep

the audience
the torture artist
the spotlight
a knife
it could have been limbs
stray pieces of severed arm


"Snuff Movie / Numb Me," Lacerating Heartwood
(Toronto: Coach House Press, 1977).
© 1977-2001 Judith Fitzgerald. All Rights Reserved.

Hot Enough For Ya?

While our politicians continue to do sweet fuck-all about the toxic chemicals filling our air, the ozone layer continues to deplete and the earth continues to get warmer.

So far this summer, Toronto has experienced 15 or 16 "smog days" compared to three last year and record high temperatures are being reported all over North America.

Rising global temperatures raise sea levels and also change precipitation and other climate conditions. Changing regional climates can alter forests, crop yields, and water supplies. It also threatens human health and harm birds, fish, and many types of ecosystems.

People are protesting in the streets (and getting killed) over the poor state of our environment. This terrible heatwave is just one symptom of how bad things have gotten. Meanwhile, governments keep raking in the dough from corporations who continue to lobby (and likely bribe) for their right to pollute. When are our politicians going to wake up and actually do something to reverse this process before it's too late?

Fuck, it's hot...

Oh Canada!

Wednesday, August 01, 2001

On Monday, Canada became the first country in the world to legalize doctor-prescribed marijuana for those suffering from terminal illness and chronic pain.

It's a move that's being criticized by some and hailed by others and although the new law has its flaws, I see it as a huge step towards the legalization of marijuana in this country. Under this new law, medical marijuana users can grow their own supply, designate someone else to grow it for them, or wait until Health Canada has its product available, their expected harvest is September.

The problem is, if you're not dying of a chronic illness, you have to get two doctor's signatures and go through a lot of bureaucratic red tape to get permission to use it. Health officials are also concerned that recreational users will fake illness or somehow get around the regulations. I mean, who isn't going to try? As for me, I think I've developed arthritis...

At the very least, I think decriminalization is imminent and will occur within the next two years. For someone who frequently enjoys the recreational use of marijuana, this is excellent news.

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