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Damn You - Damn You All To Hell!

Friday, July 27, 2001

Planet of The Apes opens in theatres today. It's a movie I have been dying to see since I heard, about a year ago, that Tim Burton was doing a re-make. In this version, Mark Wahlberg stars as Leo Davidson, an astronaut stranded in a strange world where apes are gods and humans are slaves. Tim Roth, one of my favourite actors, stars as Thade, Davidson's nemesis and the ape commander.

Does anyone remember the first time they saw the original movie? I was with a boyfriend who absolutely insisted I watch the movie with him. I didn't want to because all I could think of was the horrible Planet of the Apes tv series that used to run on Sunday afternoons when I was a kid. Needless to say, I was very pleasantly surprised and enjoyed the movie from it's interesting beginning to surprise ending. And who can forget Charleton Heston's over-the-top, hilarious performance? Heston has a cameo in the new film, as does Linda Harrison, who played his love interest in the original.

According to a couple of reviews I have read so far, the re-make lives up to all the hype. I may wait a week or two to go see it (I hate crowded movie theatres) but it's gonna be tough. Until then, all I can ask is that you Keep your filthy hands off me - you damn dirty apes!

She's Got The Cutest Little Baby Face

Monday, July 23, 2001

I've become an Auntie for the first time!! My sister gave birth to a 7 lb, 12 oz baby girl on July 22nd.

Little Madison was very sleepy when I visited her in the hospital yesterday and I had the privilege of helping my sis change her diaper! I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about this baby. I had been very envious of my younger sister when she first announced her pregnancy to my family this past xmas. But I've gotten over it during the past few months, mainly due to a love for my sister and a realization that I may never have a child and, maybe that's not such a terrible thing. As soon as I held my little niece in my arms, it was love at first site. This little one will need me in her life and I can't wait to be a big part of it!

On another note, I'd just like to say a belated Happy Birthday to our good friend (and camboy) Eigh at Fish-Zine. He turned 27 last week and celebrated the event by shaving off his goatee!

I Want To Be Beautiful Too!

Thursday, July 19, 2001

Imagine having the money to hire your own make-up artist? Imagine what it would be like if almost every picture ever taken of you was airbrushed to hide every flaw?

If you're a celebrity, this is your reality. The whole world believes you're perfect and one of the most beautiful people on earth. No wonder the rest of us feel so insecure about our looks. I mean, how many times have you gotten up in the morning, looked at yourself in the mirror and thought: "I look awful. I wish I looked like (for example) Cameron Diaz or Goldie Hawn."

Well, don't feel so bad, you are not alone. And, as you can see from the less-than-flattering celebrity pics we have uncovered, you probably look just as good in real life, if not better, than Goldie and Cameron. These pics prove that when it comes to being famous, it's all about make-up (and lots of it) and vaseline smeared on a camera lens. My personal favourite is the Goldie Hawn pic, found by our friend Mal Lee. Goldie is even wearing make-up in it. Too bad no one was around to airbrush it for her, however.

These types of pictures always make me feel better about myself. Hope they brighten your day a little too... (More "Beautiful" Celebrities!)

There's a new website called Korean Ghetto, so check that out after you're done making fun of famous people.

I can smell a pig from a mile away

Monday, July 16, 2001



Cowboy, Baby.


Guest columnist CrotchCannibal philosophizes

Friday, July 13, 2001

I've Owned You For Centuries

I don't believe in God.

When we die, that's it. Game Over. No angels, no heaven, no eternal happiness, no door prize. Just your body, the cold earth, and the fucking worms (unless you're cremated -- in that case, you get either an urn or a windy day).

Whenever I see people acting kind for the sake of "God's grace", I wanna puke. Big, steaming chunks. Are these people blind to the truth? Are they suffering from some cruel illusion? Fuck the righteous path, man, just walk wherever the fuck you want to. As long as you're not murdering (*without merit), abusing, or robbing anyone, and as long as you're doing what you enjoy, I say...you're living a good life. If the religious masses would disagree, then they are -- quite clearly -- in the wrong.

I also think good beer should be cheaper, space exploration should be better-funded, and that I deserve a higher quality stereo.


*it's OK to murder fuckin' pricks.

The Ungrateful Dead

Wednesday, July 11, 2001

Why is it that family members tend to treat you like you’re a doormat?

I had my Aunt Anne (who is only a year older than I) over to my place on Saturday evening, after the baby shower I threw for my sister. It was not a pleasant experience. She drank most of my booze, smoked a lot of my drugs and then still complained when I wasn’t waiting on her hand and foot. And she is probably one of the most brain dead people I know. I had almost forgotten why I hadn't invited her over in a couple of years.

The day of the baby shower, Anne calls me on the phone and says she hadn’t had time to pick up a present for my sister yet and she’d slept in that day. Please bear in mind that this is a woman whose only job EVER was working at a t-shirt factory for ONE DAY. Fool that I am, I told her that I had bought plenty of gifts for my sister so she could just give her one of the things I bought and I would buy a card while I was out that morning, as long as she paid me back.

Anne was quite pleased with the gift and the card that I chose, and even wanted my sister to read it out loud because: “I pick out the funniest cards, don’t I?” she told everyone.

Afterwards, I told her she owed me $25. Her response: “Hmmm, $25 seems pretty expensive, can I see the bill?”

Later on, we rented a movie, Castaway, which I paid for. She didn’t even offer to pay half.

So, there she was, drinking my beer, watching a movie I paid for and I’m filling a pipe with the drugs I bought and she begins complaining that I didn’t put enough weed in the pipe. “What’re you, cheap?” she said several times. When I told her at one point: “No, you can’t have another one of my beers,” she got very insolent and told me I was a “fucking bitch.”

Anne is also quite boring. She has suddenly become obsessed with a new friend of hers, named Irna. Every second word out of her mouth was "Irna does this, Irna does that." At 1 o’clock in the morning, she wanted to phone Irna. She wanted me to bring the 2 ½ hour movie I had rented over to Irna’s the next day and sit there and watch it again because Irna had never seen it. When I said no she got pissed off.

What topped it all off though had to have been when I dropped her off at good old Irna’s apartment. Irna asks her if she got the $100 Anne was owed by a friend who actually lives near my place. Anne sheepishly admitted that No, she was too gutless to go over and get the money. So Irna says, “You phone that girl right now and tell her your niece will be over there to get your money.”

Anne smiled at me as if to say: “That’d be nice if you did that for me,” and I just said: “I’m not collecting your money for you – no way.” Irna was not impressed with my answer, not that I gave a rat’s ass at that point.

As I left Irna’s apartment, relieved out of my mind that I was finally getting rid of my aunt, the two of them were giving me the dirtiest look. It was a rather satisfying feeling as I looked at them both, laughed, wiped my feet on Irna’s doormat and got the hell out of there.

God, I love camboys

Tuesday, July 10, 2001


Long time no update, and you're not getting much of one until later. Meanwhile, Bob Barker is back from NYC, baby! Go check out his adventures and tell him to update his damned cam!!

Speaking of camboys, recently the godfader wrote our website initials on his forehead when he was on cam (see picture above). That one little act thrilled us to bits. This was the same night Burn shaved his entire body on cam. How's a girl expected to get any sleep around here?

Check out Eric's new venture at Society for Sale. Some of you are familiar with his work at Everything I Hate, but he now has a real domain but the same pissy attitude. You've got to respect that. Here's a snippit from his latest rant:

"GIVE ME MY MOTHERFUCKING COUNTRY BACK! I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKING BIBLE PUSHERS, TREE HUGGERS, OR WHINY LITTLE BITCHES EVER AGAIN! AMERICA... THE LAND OF THE FREE. ALL OF YOU CAN KISS MY WHITE, CORNBRED, AMERICAN ASS."


If you haven't been there before, go visit another favourite American of ours, Blarx. And J35U5 just returned from a family vacation, so read his travel tales.

Big Hollywood Kissies

Wednesday, July 04, 2001

Dick Pierce's Behind Hollywood
by Dick Pierce

Hello, Hugs and BIG Hollywood-style kisses to all my fans!!! I know its been so long since I've been here 'online' as the kids say, and I'm SO sorry, but there has been ALOT of things going on in my life, like for instance, I HAD to rewatch the ENTIRE 2000-01 season of Dharma & Greg again, Relive the laughs and tears of the best season EVER!!!! Man oh man, this is the reason TV was created!!!!

This and 'Coach' of course...

Also I've been in my 'Think-Tank', as you know I'm famous for my weekly Xena parties, where we all sit around and watch 'Xena: Warrior Princess', and then we all go and gather around my new water cooler and discuss the episode, we discuss the action scenes, the clothes, the latent homosexual vibes between Xena and Gabriel!

Welp last week was the last episode of Xena, that's right no more Xena parties for me. Sure I could still have them for the re-runs of the show, but come on Xena, re-run costume parties? That's a bit too white trash for me, plus that's so totally gay!!!!

So if you can think of any new ideas please email me, k? Or send it by 'Snail mail', sorry for all the net jargon here, but I just bought a copy of 'The Internet for Dummies'! Lotta cool stuff in it...didja know McDonald's is on the web?

Anyway let's get on with the show, the first part of course is my Ramble Goose section, where I just ramble on and create things for you and yours to discuss around your water coolers...then I give my tip of the week, my video tip of the week and also I answer a LETTER or two, and remember the winner of the LETTER OF THE WEEK, gets an autograph of me and someone famous!!!!!!!! Here we go!!!

RAMBLE GOOSE:
  • Are you counting down the days until season 2 of the XFL like me?
  • You know what my favorite thing is about Teen Pop godess Mandy is? The way she is able to keep reinventing herself!!!!
  • There are only 254 days until the next BlockBuster Awards!!!! Better go ahead and get those ballots in to avoid the mob!!!
  • Is it just me or does Fred Durst's shtick never get old?
  • Who's with me on my letter campaign to CBS to renew Bette?
  • Is it too early to go ahead and dub Lil Romeo as the New Jimi Hendrix?
  • Jurassic Park 3? No thanks!!! I saw it already, when it was called 'The Land Before Time 4'!!!!
  • Is it just me or is BET a little too black? Nothing a good helping of Friends re-runs couldn't fix!!!!
  • Speaking of Friends, who else thinks Courtney Cox could stand to lose a few pounds, cause you aren't sexy if you're weighing in the triple digits!!!
  • Anyone else miss Chet Atkins yet? If so, then could you please tell me who he is, and why I should miss him?
  • Who else thinks Entertainment Weekly went too far last week with their, 'Bob Denver, 60 and loving it!' top story?
  • And is too much to ask to see more of the delightful Melissa and Joan Rivers making fun of what celebs wear?
  • Why hasnt Elton John settled down with a nice woman yet?
  • Princess Di would have been 40 this week, if she hadn't ran straight into the side of a tunnel in Paris!!!! Just another reason why I will never go back to France!!!!
  • I dont know about little girls, but the last time Paula Poundstone touched me was in her role in 'Science Court' as the bossy and gruff, but lovable Judge...and I like everyone else must ask the question, "What happened to her Emmy?"



    TIP OF THE WEEK!!!
    Go ahead and buy a subscription to 'Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Magazine'..why? Well this way you won't have to worry about going down to the stand and seeing a empty slot where MKAOM is supposed to be, also you will get your copy early and you will have the advantage at cocktail parties...you can impress your friends with such facts as that 60% of girls ages 10-12 LOVE Heath Ledger, but think that Mel Gibson is 'so done'....also you can join their EMAIL CLUB!!! Get all the info on their home videos!!!! Man I should go down to Vegas and bet on them...YOU CAN'T LOSE!!!!

    BURIED GEM OF THE WEEK:
    The 1996 hit 'Ed', not to be confused with the NBC show starring John Stewart!!!! This is about a Monkey and his 'Friend', the friend of course being Matt Lablanc...this movie is GREAT, and was SO robbed at Oscar time, it's a heartwarming movie, and ED is the best baseball monkey since EVER!!!!!

    Go here for more on ED.


    Welp my little Snorks Clock(I LOVE the snorks) is telling me that its time for bed!!!! So I will leave for now...and remember Hollywood isnt just a city, its a State....OF MIND!!!!

    Lots of Hollywood kisses and Hugs to my fans!!

    Oh and as you know Im very inter-net savy now, so here is a joke I got in my email today from the Joke of the Day place:

    Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

    Cause it was feeling crumby!!!!

    XXOOXXXXXOOO
    Dick Pierce


    Dick Pierce is the award winning syndicated writer of 'Dick Pierce's Behind Hollywood." He has been a syndicated writer for, oh, let's say 20 years... that's a good round number ain't it?


    Tuesday, July 03, 2001

    Prepare for an update tomorrow. We're still hungover from Canada Day. Ok, not really. We haven't stopped drinking.

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