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Life is Precious and God and the Bible

Saturday, February 24, 2001

David is the one tittering It's cliche, but I have to use the word irreverent when describing the comedy of David Cross and Bob Odenkirk. Consider this line from a Mr. Show sketch about a couple who's son can't convince them he's not gay. "You gay bastard! No gay son of mine is not gay! You better get gay or I’ll make you gay! "

Or a sketch called the "Crackerbarrel" where Bob and David try to drum up more hate mail from their viewers.


David: Right. Bob, did you know that in the early 1800s it was legal for white people to enslave African-Americans?
Bob: Hmm.
David: But then, Abraham Lincoln, a *white* man, set them free.
Bob: Yeah. And David and I believe that it's never to late for us to say to our African-American brothers and sisters--[strums a chord]
Bob and David: You're welcome.
[singing] Hey you're welcome.
Hey don't mention it.
Use that freedom in anyway you like
'Cuz you're not slaves no more
Don't have to behave no more
But we're sure if you do...
You're welcome to


Bob's on the leftIt once felt like we were the only ones on God's green earth who worship Bob and David. When Mr. Show was cancelled by HBO, the Canadian comedy channel dropped it in favour of some lame cartoon called Kevin Spencer. After receiving tons of complaints (and only a few of those from us), The Comedy Network decided to air Mr. Show in re-runs. Now that they realize there's an audience, though, it's chock full of commercials which break the smooth flow of the skits.

It's easy to hate the Comedy Network, which lost Tom Green to MTV and continues to air such crap as Make Me Laugh. They don't have much else to offer, other than re-runs of the greatly-missed Larry Sanders Show and Kids in the Hall (what is Scott Thompson doing these days, anyway?). It's harder to hate HBO because we love The Sopranos, even though neither of us can afford to waste more money on Roger's Cable to watch the second season. Oh, who am I kidding? It's easy to hate HBO.

Maybe HBO really does stand for Hate Bob Odenkirk.

If you like (or loathe) Mr. Show, tell us about it.

I rule!

Thursday, February 22, 2001

I've added a new hate mail page, so check that out for follow-ups on the Liz Hurley debate. I don't like to gloat (really I don't), but it ended well. I absolutely love a man who can admit when he's wrong.

Beware! Found some neat graphics for Rebecca's post below. Ah, for the good old days of old-fashioned child-rearing...

Legalize Marijuana!

Wednesday, February 21, 2001

I came back from my Atlanta trip with a lovely souvenir, an ear infection. My left ear has been bothering me since the moment the plane I was on descended into the city that is home to CNN. I've had a couple of ear infections before, always in the same ear, but I didn't realize a plane could cause one. Anyway, I saw my doctor this week and she confirmed it and prescribed a drug called Zithromax, an antibiotic. The side effects (of which I am suffering from 3 out of 4 of them, I'll leave it up to your imagination) include diarrhea, vomiting, abdominal cramps and dizziness. Another fine side effect that usually creeps in a few days after you start your treatment is a yeast infection. I was really hoping I'd be in the (supposed) 95% of people who don't suffer any of the effects but after I took the first dose yesterday my head was spinning and I was doubled over in pain.

I suffered for awhile, until I realized that I had a little bit of hash in my jewellery box. I smoked a joint and the pain went away. It was such a relief. It pissed me off though. My doctor can legally prescribe me a drug that may cure my ear infection but causes me another kind of pain. So why the hell can't she prescribe me marijuana? The only real side effects I've ever experienced are paranoia, slurred speech, red eyes and the munchies! Marijuana and hashish totally relax you and take away pain. It's a lot more natural than the chemicals in the antibiotics I've had to ingest this week. When all is said and done though - I just hope the damn ear infection goes away!

Hurl Me

Monday, February 19, 2001

We've received more mail from our adoring fans! My favourite is from a reader who's possibly concerned that Liz Hurley might sue us for the "baseless libel" on our Stupid Girl page.

Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2001 21:58:28 -0600
To: farginbastiges@yahoo.com
From: Joshua Gaines
Subject: Elizabeth Hurley's "supposed" Comments Regarding Marilyn Monroe

Your page regarding Elizabeth Hurley's comments about Marilyn Monroe is based upon fiction, as can be properly verified here. Perhaps you people should do some fact checking once in a while. It seems to me that if you weren't just jealous and honestly did believe that women in entertainment today are too skinny, you'd check your facts properly. Just a thought. I'm no huge fan of Elizabeth Hurley or anything, I think her acting is atrocious, personally; however, baseless libel is definitely something that I despise. Correct your page.

My response:
Joshua,
I'm very familiar with Snopes, and the page you cite doesn't question Hurley's comments (which she hasn't denied to my knowledge) but merely the popular claim that Marilyn Monroe was a size 16 (which we've never touched upon). Perhaps you need to get your facts straight and read things clearly before sending off letters about "baseless libel."
For a statement to be libelous, it must be false. We've made no false claims.


Josh, sweetie, if I were jealous of anyone it would be Marilyn herself, not some model/actress who trashed her without even thinking about what impression she's giving insecure, young women. It's not so much a question of whether actresses are too skinny; it's more of a revolt against stupidity. And Liz, darling, if you ever read this: If you weren't so scared of being as "fat" as Marilyn Monroe, you probably wouldn't have to wear an uncomfortable Wonderbra to boost up those tits of yours.

Shameless plug for your vote: Do it for Marilyn.

Hate mail and love letters

Sunday, February 18, 2001

You know, we get a lot of fan mail here at We Hate Everyone. We don't normally share it with our readers, but when famous cartoon characters write in, it's hard not to show off a bit.

From: "bugs bunny"
To: farginbastiges@yahoo.com
Subject: you suck
Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2001 23:40:23 -0000

I can't believe there are people that are so naive as you, and ones that write the crap on your page. Not only that, I can't believe these same people are smart enough to figure out HOW to use the web. I love listening to whiny people that bitch about "how horrible it is" that people wear fur.
I got news for ya toots, your plastic clothes that aren't biodegradable (newsflash: fur is natural, as is leather. Go to school, you might learn something) and your apartment building, that I'm SURE was built on land that never once had an animal living on it, are a hell of a lot worse than killing a few of them to wear or eat. Get over it. Go back to watching your happy damn Disney movies, then go out and hug some friendly wild wolves and lions and shit. I'm sure they'll be all over your compassion for them. Forget that these animals are killers, and we just happen to be another link in the same food chain. Stop thinking about how sorry you are that they were removed from a life living in constant fear of some predator killing them every hour of every day. Screw you people. You aren't forcing me to go vegetarian, and, another news flash, meat comes from dead animails.
Should we just throw away cow hides when we kill them? Would that be better than actually making their death a little more worthwhile? Until you live in a forest, with no shelter, and wear grass fronds and eat bark, shut the hell up about fur. Obviously thats the difference between men and women. Men can actually look at something rationally, and not let emotion take over. Hope I didn't make you cry.


Rebecca's response?
Did you not read a thing I wrote? I'm not naive, I've
been on both sides of the fur issue. It's not just the
animals either, the people making money off animal
pelts are also disgusting human beings who treat their
staff like shit.

Go have a burger and shut your trap.

Rebecca


Don't worry, Bugs, you didn't make us cry. What a maroon.

I got tired of pink.

Thursday, February 15, 2001

I don't remember studies like this when I went to U of T. There is still time to sign up, for anyone interested. You can only stay at my place if you promise to do dishes... what am I, your slave? I've updated the gallery, so check it out if you like that sort of thing. The dogs section is too cute to miss (no, not in a pink/fuzzy/cuddly kind of way).

Do I Need A Man Today?

Tuesday, February 13, 2001

When Pandora and I were younger we used to hate Valentine’s Day and she jokingly re-named it: Depressed About Being Single Day.

Well, Pandora is now happily married with a baby and this is the first time in five years that I haven’t had a man to go out with on February 14th. And frankly, I don’t give a damn! I feel more powerful than I ever have, mainly because I’m single again.

Last year on Valentine's Day, my boyfriend (now my ex) bought me a gorgeous emerald ring. Just before I opened the little box it came in, he said: "Don't worry, it's not an engagement ring." Was that supposed to sound romantic?! A few weeks ago he called me, wanting me back. I said no for obvious reasons.

When I was in Atlanta recently (I returned home today) I had the choice of either sitting on a married guy’s lap in the front seat of a car or lying across the laps of three married men in the back seat. (Think about that the next time your husband is away on business.) I chose the front seat, although why I didn't just insist on taking a cab I'll never know. They thought it was hilarious, however, and actually debated whose lap I'd be sitting on. I'm glad I'm not married to one of them, or any man at the moment.

And to top it all off, at the airport on the way home, my 30-something boss bought his wife a huge white bear holding a red heart that said “I love you.” It was about the tackiest Valentine's gift I've ever seen. I felt like asking him if he had heard of roses, perfume or diamonds. Geez, you talk about a pathetic effort. I only wish I could be there to see her face when he gives it to her.

Considering all of the above, I think I'm re-naming this year's Valentine's Day Thrilled About Being Single Day.

(Take part in our completely useless Valentine's Day Poll.)

Obligatory E/N Post

Monday, February 12, 2001

Some racist asshole posted on our message board (and of course was too frightened to leave an e-mail address). Idiots like that gets me down. I cheered up a bit after reading one girl's blog complaint that we're raunchy. I'm not sure what she's referring to... perhaps my promise of a hot photograph of Rebecca in the shower? My motto is when you've got it, flaunt it. The same girl bitched about people who bitch. I can't help but find that funny.

Rebecca is back from Atlanta tomorrow, which is good because she hasn't been around to vote for this site (hint, hint). She did send me this picture before she left, so I guess I'll post it now. Gotta keep up with our reputation, after all.

The Straight Dope

Friday, February 09, 2001

Lack of time prevents me from doing more than tie up a few loose ends right now. Rebecca is in Atlanta on business and says she's working hard, but promises to post when she has a moment. For my buddy Sean at Eat The Rich, here's information on the nutritional value of sperm, from Cecil Adams at The Straight Dope. (This animation is in his honour as well.)

We've been getting a lot of requests for link exchanges lately, but the most interesting has come from Six, who has offered his servitude if we plug his site. I'll forward his message to Rebecca because I'm not much of a sadist, unless you consider a good mindfuck sadistic. I only find mindfucks enjoyable when they're consensual, but I'm a pussy.

Rip Her To Shreds

Tuesday, February 06, 2001

With all this uproar started by Beltane's reviews (see Thursday, February 1 post below), we suddenly find ourselves being lumped together with the Badass Chicks site, even though our only affiliation is that we're on their topsites list. I'd never even read BAC until I read Joe Rogan extolling their virtues when I went to his site to follow an interesting thread on the message board about circumcision.

Beltane has been man enough to give us credit for not throwing a hissyfit over his review, but some others are pissing and moaning (one says we fashion ourselves to be "bad ass bitches.") Since we're getting flak, I had to ask myself: Do I even qualify as a badass chick? I decided to visit their site and find out.

The first section I checked out was the staff photographs: apparently the gallery gets more hits than any other part of the site. What immediately came to mind is I probably have too much body fat to be a badass chick. Judging by their pictures, BACs are all slim and I'm more of a well-rounded woman. I'm not whining that they're thinner than me, but the only staff members depicted all fit into the usual cookie-cutter image you see in fashion magazines. Another thing is BACs seem to wear a lot of leather and lingerie, while jeans and t-shirts are more my style. I do have a leather coat which is more than 10 years old, but that's about it. The only things on me that are pierced are my ears. When it comes appearance, I don't fit in. That's one strike against me.

I skim over the carnal fantasies section, which reads more like a fantasy for men than for women. It's a predictable piece about a woman gift-wrapping herself while waiting for her man to come home from work so she can give him a blowjob. More interesting are some of the readers' replies, especially the person who describes how she pleases her man by letting him pop out one of her eyes and skull-fucking her. "His penis swells and he spurts cum into my head. It's such a big load of jizm that some of it leaks out my nose, but dribbles down into my waiting tongue." Hilarious!

These days, I'm lucky to get a quick fumble and grope on the hallway floor before the baby wakes up. And before he was born, my bedroom games never included Christmas wrap and referring to my vagina as "my sex." Strike two against me.

A special Valentine's Day section promises to offer "unique" gift ideas, such as toiletries, perfume and jewelry. On the plus side, the article suggests that a man actually research his woman's taste in these items before buying her a gift, but I'd rather see gift ideas on what to buy men. Maybe this is because I'm fairly easy to buy for, and have a hard time coming up with romantic gifts for my husband. (Unless you consider a two-four romantic.)

Split Decision is a he said/she said advice section. The one I read was about shaven pussies and both the Dude and Chick came to the same conclusion: hairy=bad. I agree that sex feels great when you are shaven, but the itching when your pubes grow back is unbearable. According to the Chick, this itching goes away once you've been shaving for awhile. This was good information although, when you're a mom, it's hard to find the time to even shave your legs. I guess that's strike three.

I'm out.

Like any other woman's magazine, BAC is filled with tons of ads, and features the usual horoscopes and recipes for sickly-sweet cocktails. Some bits are all right, but on the whole I found it no different from Cosmo and pretty boring. A recurring theme is how to keep your man happy, and it always comes down to the standard give him blowjobs and stay skinny spiel we've heard a thousand times before. (Men enjoy head? I had no idea!) BAC seems to be marketing itself more to men than women, which makes me wonder why they don't have any ads for hentai babes and sexy Lolitas. Their topsites list is good; it's where I discovered the link for Steel Girl, which is truly a fun site.

I much prefer the Bad Ass Breastfeeding Babes. They come in all shapes and sizes, they stand up for what they believe in and don't give a shit about what other people think.

Isn't that what being badass should be all about?



Wild Gift: I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who voted for us in the E/N Top 100 list. For the first time, we've actually made it to the top ten! Rebecca is so thrilled, she's going to scan more goofy pictures of herself to share with our dear readers. If you're lucky, she might even share the pic she took of herself skinny dipping in a hotel pool. She was so drunk at the time, she didn't remember taking the picture and got quite a shock after getting the photos developed. I'm hoping she doesn't read this, because she might kill me for sharing the information.

A bride of Christ, they called her

Sunday, February 04, 2001

the flying nunOn this fine Sunday, Rebecca is taking time to reflect on her younger days when she was indoctrinated in the Catholic church. She still enjoys many of the rituals associated with Catholicism: incense, red wine and unleavened bread. I was brought up without religion, and once accompanied her family to church for mass the Saturday night before Easter. Rebecca's mother was horrified when I got up to take communion (it was okay though, I pocketed the wafer). I don't see why you should be forced to go through your first communion before being worthy to enjoy a taste of Christ on a cracker. Between the lacy white dress and scads of attention, a first communion is a Catholic girl's first taste of what her wedding day will be like, because of course she will marry one day. Click here to see Rebecca during her short stint as a nun.


Who's Bad? In other news, it looks like
BlackRage's reviews of this and another site have
stirred up trouble. Will there be a catfight?
See for yourself.


Where Is The Love? Many of our visitors come from topsites lists. This weekend I made a new banner featuring a completely humiliating photograph of Rebecca in the shower. The problem is, who's going to ever see it if no one votes for us? I'm not one to beg for votes or the place vote links here and there using leading phrases like Britney Spears' nipple slip or nude Asian schoolgirls on crack. It's not like we make a cent off this site. I'll simply say if you'd like to see Rebecca humiliate herself more than she already does on our site, please click here.

The Daily Freakshow: Part Two

Saturday, February 03, 2001

An elderly black woman got on the bus the other day, holding a bible. I couldn't help but chuckle. I'm not an atheist or anything but people who are sucked into that whole organized religion bullshit always make me laugh. The best part though was when I looked over at her again and noticed the front of her black woolen hat. In large white letters she'd sewn the words: "I LOVE JESUS" with a big red heart beside it. I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from laughing out loud.

Then yesterday morning I had to stop myself from gagging when I saw the guy sitting across from me spitting on the floor of the bus. He had his head down and I thought he was spitting because there was clear liquid coming out of his mouth. It wasn't until I saw an orange substance pouring from his throat that I realized he was actually puking. Only one more month until I get a car...


Thursday, February 01, 2001

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to any visitors who've come here from The BlackRage Organization. It seems Beltane took offense to Rebecca's rants about her ex-boyfriend and has labeled us as man-hating "Angry Women." I'm not quite sure why someone who calls his site BlackRage would be bothered by anger. Perhaps it has something to do with his inexplicable fascination with corndogs?

The sad thing is, if he knew Rebecca he'd probably really like her. She's that rare breed of woman who loves giving blowjobs and watching hockey, not necessarily in that order, but I'm sure she's not averse to doing both at the same time (just don't block the t.v.) Some guys don't know what they're missing.

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